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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am pushing 50 and about to become a grandpa. My wife is in her late thirties and is suddenly ready to throw out our entire life together because she “needs” us to have a baby together. I love my stepson. He is 10 years old and a creative, funny kid. His dad isn’t around, so I have basically been the stepdad who stepped up. I love to coach his baseball and take him fishing. But I am not doing diaper duty again. My wife knew that. We were on the same page during our dating phase, the engagement, and all five years we have been married. But since my daughter announced her pregnancy, it has been like a switch flipped in my wife’s brain that she needs another baby now. We are on a waiting list for counseling, but I don’t see it solving anything. We are sleeping in separate rooms, and when I said I would just go get the snip, my wife threatened to leave and said I would never see “her” son again. It used to be “our” son.
My stepson is autistic. I have a flexible work schedule, so I do most of the daily grind of pick up, drop off, and school functions. He has come so far, but I am afraid what will happen if worst comes to worst. I love my stepson. I love the life we have together. I love my wife, but I can’t help but resent her for willing to wreck it all—like the child she has, the life that we have, isn’t worth anything.
—Family Matters
Dear Family Matters,
It’s unfortunate that your wife has had such a drastic change of heart after agreeing that the two of you wouldn’t have any additional children. Counseling may be your only hope for salvaging the marriage. With a mediator, you can explain to her just how much you love your current life together and why you’re opposed to having a baby. She can explain why having another child is so important to her all of a sudden and hopefully, the two of you can come to a consensus and agree on an outcome that works for both of you. It seems that you all won’t be able to navigate this challenge without professional help.
In the meantime, remind your wife how much you do for your stepson and how important he is to you. Talk to her about what it would mean for you to lose the two of them. Bring up the age difference between the two of you and your concerns about raising a new baby later in life. This may just be a phase your wife is going through, possibly triggered by your daughter’s announcement. If having a child together means so much to her, perhaps you can talk to her about legally adopting her son. It would affirm the relationship that you already have and symbolically establish that you are his true father.
There is the possibility that your wife is so pressed to have another baby that she’ll choose to move on from the marriage, though I think she should consider how difficult it might be to meet a new partner in her late 30s while already caring for a neurodivergent child. Hopefully, she’ll get past her baby fever and come to appreciate the life that you already have together. If not, you’ll have to let her go try to seek out what she believes will make her happy, painful as that may be.
—Jamilah
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