Slate publishes a lot of advice each week, so we’re pulling together a selection of our favorites. Here are a few of the most compelling questions from the week and links to hours of advice reading. This week: reconnecting with restrictive “diets,” home births, and cheating.
Dear Prudence
What’s Next?: I like to host gatherings at my house a few times a year—think, BBQs in the spring/summer and informal dinners in the colder months. My long-time friend “Erin” almost always attends. About one-and-a-half years ago, Erin, following a doctor’s advice, went on a slightly restrictive diet to see if it helped with some medical issues she was having. I had plans to host a dinner a few weeks after she began this, but I was happy to make accommodations. Then, in the weeks and months that followed, she began modifying this diet—adding back certain things and taking away others. I learned that this was not on the advice of the doctor, but rather, her own internet research.
I have had two more parties since, and for each one, I had to check with Erin to see what her latest “diet” was. Now, I plan to host again for a couple of weeks, and Erin, of course, has new restrictions—things like, she can’t eat certain vegetables because they cause inflammation. I’m about ready to tell Erin she has to bring her own food. This just seems absurd to me. She’s not getting actual medical advice anymore, she’s doing her own thing. I think I’ve already been more than understanding, but how much longer do I have to keep catering to Erin’s imaginary needs?
Care and Feeding
Not in This Birth Plan, Please: My husband and I have a 5-year-old son, and we live on the ground floor of an apartment building in a large city. When “Stu and Chelsea” moved in, a year and a half ago, they were expecting their first child, but other than generic hallway chitchat about kids, we didn’t know them very well. A month after they arrived, we were awoken at 5 a.m. by Chelsea’s scream (her water broke a week early)… and then, because our bedroom shares a wall with their living room, we heard what turned out to be the beginning of a planned home birth! Our son somehow slept through the noise, and then we hustled him to preschool, but my husband and I both work from home, and we couldn’t that morning—we ended up leaving to work at a café only to return as she was pushing. I absolutely understand why some people choose home births, and I had a great experience myself having a fairly natural water birth—but I had it at a hospital because we lived in an apartment!
I felt really uncomfortable all day, as we heard every gritty detail of Stu and Chelsea’s home birth. How can we (politely) discuss this with Chelsea and Stu?
How to Do It
Trying to Move On: I am a 40-something woman who has been with my husband for 20 years. We are business partners and have two amazing children. But over the years, our marital partnership took a backseat to everything. We lost our personal connection and I felt lost, lonely, and in need of the human connection and sexual gratification that I no longer had with my husband. So, I had an affair that happened organically with a man who was also in a miserable marriage. We all are acquaintances through our children. At the time, I was able to compartmentalize my emotions during the affair and not feel guilty. But over time, it consumed me and I fell in love. It is the kind of love and connection I have always longed for. Our sex life is amazing and gratifying.
I decided it was time to come clean and we outed ourselves. It’s been messy and uncomfortable and gossiped-about, though my circle of friends have been so supportive and judgment-free, as they know how unhappy I was. We are now both getting divorced from our spouses. The process has been painful for all parties. We are all doing the best we can, though I know how difficult this must be for the two betrayed spouses.
My question is: how do I now deal with the guilt I feel?
Pay Dirt
Rose Red: My boyfriend and I are at an impasse. I own my own place and he was trying to get back on his feet after the divorce. He has two small kids. My place is small and not child-friendly. He pays no rent and half of the other bills but thinks it is completely OK for me to give up my home office for a bedroom for his kids. And pay for all the new furniture. And help with other expenses like private tutoring and sports activities.
The thing is I can only introduce myself as dad’s “friend” and we need to sleep separately when/if the kids come over. We aren’t even talking about marriage. Honestly, I think that he should give up overnight visits and stick to seeing his kids in public places. Even just picking them up and dropping them off every day seems more doable than this. However, he is a great and devoted dad. When his eyes are on me, I feel like the most special woman in the world. He has had a hard time of it. Am I wearing rose-colored glasses here?
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