Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
A friend of mine is a great filmmaker and I LOVE his photo work. I asked him for a photoshoot for a business I am starting. He agreed, but stipulated that he would not allow me to look at the monitor during the photoshoot. I felt comfortable enough that he would take care of me. I paid over $2000 for the space rental and photos … and I hate them all. Mainly because little adjustments like suck it in, back straight, put your shoulders down weren’t given to me. I am mad at myself for allowing the shoot to happen this way, but seething at him too. I have not been able to talk to him. He’s sent messages and I’ve told him, I’m just not ready. I have a different photographer who will get me right for the business, but is my friendship over? I’m still so angry. What should I do?
—Mr. Photogenic
Dear Photogenic,
Let’s take this down a notch. Does this sentence feel like something you could say?: “I have to be honest, I wasn’t happy with the photos and couldn’t find one that I wanted to use for my business.” He might offer a re-do, especially for a friend! Give it a try. If not, take it as an expensive lesson (part of which is, if you really want someone focused on telling you how to pose to look your best, you might need a photographer who has an assistant). But also, really try to be honest with yourself about how much of this is about his photography skills and how much is about you not liking the way you look. I don’t know that any professional is going to tell you to “suck it in”—that’s kind of something you’ve gotta do yourself (or dress in a way that makes it a non-issue, or find peace with the shape of your body). Even if he really is terrible at his job, or had a horribly off day when he took your photos, there is absolutely no reason the friendship has to end over one disappointing set of images. Especially in this day and age, when you could just create a new headshot with AI!
Dear Prudence Uncensored
“I tend to be much more conservative about mixing my buddies with my business.”
Jenée Desmond-Harris and Joel Anderson discuss a letter in this week’s Dear Prudence Uncensored—only for Slate Plus members.
Dear Prudence,
I was friends with an opposite-sex couple that led us into becoming a throuple. There’s always been issues between them and their long-standing relationship, but the dynamic between the man and me was unlike anything we’d ever felt before. They were on the rocks, he and I got closer, but I backed out because how could we build anything in the middle of all the chaos? I am still friends with her, but he and I haven’t spoken in a year. They just started talking again recently, and I feel down at times because I miss him so much. I think of him and dream about him daily. She never took my feelings into account when we were all together, and I feel she still doesn’t see how this all affects me, even with knowing how sad it’s made me not having him around. Do I reach back out to him (because I know he feels the same as I do), or is it best to just walk away from one of my best friends (her) and let them both be on their way.
—Unicorny Mess
Dear Unicorny Mess,
Maybe I’m missing something. If the three of you were once a throuple, and now the two of them are talking again, and you and the girl are still friends, and you still love the guy, what’s stopping you from asking them if you can get in on round two of the relationship? But, reading between the lines, I’m thinking maybe you were a factor in their first breakup? Perhaps their troubled relationship couldn’t support a third person after all, or maybe boundaries were crossed? This time around, are you hoping to be in a relationship just with the guy and not with your friend (who I would actually call your frenemy)? There are a lot of open questions here, but where I’m landing based on what I know is that these two make you feel awful, you don’t need a friendship with someone who isn’t sensitive to your feelings, and if your love interest wanted to be in touch with you, he already would be. Move on!
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Dear Prudence,
I love my daughter, but I didn’t raise her to be so condensing and self-righteous. She acts like everyone who hasn’t gone to college, traveled, and settled down with 2.5 children by their mid-thirties is somehow morally deficient. For example, I mentioned that one of my friend’s children fell in love and got married. Only they dated for a year. Or were engaged for six. Or it was a second marriage. Or they had children together and were finally getting married. My daughter just speaks negatively and predicts how their lives are going to end up in the trash.
It is worse if someone is going back to school. Her cousin is turning 45 this year and has decided to go back to medical school after her youngest went off to college. My daughter just laughed at the news and said it was a waste of a spot at a medical school because her cousin was too old and behind on the times to be a good practicing physician. I told her that was mean and uncalled for. Why would she say such a thing? She and her husband have good careers and a nice house, but life has a way of throwing curve balls. She got angry at that. I don’t know what to do here. I love my daughter, but I really don’t like the woman she has turned into these last few years.
—Mean Queen
Dear Mean Queen,
It sounds to me like your daughter is deeply unhappy with herself and her life. In fact, I’d bet a lot of money that she is! Keep in mind, there’s a lot that can be going terribly for someone who otherwise has a good career and a nice house. Work could be miserable. Her relationship could be on the rocks. She could have been left out of the group trip her friends took. She might be beating herself up over failing to follow her passions. She could hate what she sees when she looks in the mirror every day. Even if things aren’t actually going terribly, she could be depressed and see everything through that lens. Her negative comments are not about the people she’s discussing. They’re about how she feels about herself and how she sees the world as a result.
That said, she’s being really mean and you’re right to push back because you have a right not to be dragged into conversations that make you feel like the worst version of yourself. But instead of criticizing your daughter (who, remember, is someone who already feels like crap) by saying “That was mean and uncalled for” you can simply reply “Oh I think she’ll be a great doctor. She has so much life experience!” or “I think they’re a great couple and they’ll probably make it” or “Everyone has to take their one path in life!” And don’t follow up in the moment with “You’re being an asshole, is anything wrong??” but gently inquire about that another time, when she’s not ripping someone’s life choices to shreds.
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Dear Prudence,
My brother-in-law is getting married. My husband told me we might have to pay to cover his two high school-age brothers (i.e. their share of the AirBnB, dinner, etc.). I said his brothers should pay their share, one is 18. Eight weeks before the wedding, he explained that we expect them to pay their share or at least try to contribute and we’d cover the rest. We talked through options like getting odd jobs. They did nothing. They are on summer break, have never worked, and just play video games at home. Now, after the party, they say they’re broke and we have to pay. Father-in-law called and told us he doesn’t allow them to work, it’s not fair to financially burden them like this, don’t talk to them about it again, you can pay it or we (the parents) can pay it.
—Feeling Scammed
Dear Feeling Scammed,
Let your in-laws pay! Why is this an issue? A family wedding—or from their eyes a predictable ceremony followed by a not-fun party full of old people—is not exactly a treat for a teen to attend. The adults want them there and should make it happen. This would be the case even if your husband’s brothers were allowed to work, and even if they did something other than play video games all day. They are in high school! If they want to go on a spring break trip with their friends, that’s when they should be expected to contribute. But even then, it would be their parents’ business, not yours.
Classic Prudie
To celebrate a milestone, my girlfriend dressed up as a 100-year-old lady; apparently this is fairly common. However, she didn’t stop there. She has now created an elderly alter-ego and expects to be treated as a grandmother while in this mode. She said it’s like crossdressing and even suggested that I dress up so that I can be her “granddaughter.”
