Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I am six years into a lovely and gratifying relationship—we are both women in our early 30s and live with our dog. She is kind, madly supportive of me and smart. However, I am increasingly getting frustrated with one thing: She often asks if I am cheating on her. Maybe two or three times a month, she reads into some innocuous thing I am doing like washing the bedsheets or having a photo taken with a friend of a friend at a hockey game (something she has no interest in) and asks if I am cheating. When I say no, she then pushes it a bit more and tells me how awful I would be if I were lying.
But … I’m not! I have never broken her trust and she (I guess?) knows that. She has also not been cheated on in previous relationships (though I have).
We have spoken about it both in general and in the moment (in which I am increasingly struggling to keep my cool), and she just says she is looking for reassurance and says she will stop, which she does not. Intellectually, I know that she just values this relationship and is worried about losing it, but it is driving me kind of insane! It makes me feel observed and judged all the time, and like she thinks I am a bad person. I feel like I am so touchy about it, I don’t have a sense of scale any more—do I have a right to be so annoyed? Should I try to talk about it again? How can I communicate this properly?
—Monogamous in Montreal
Dear Monogamous,
She values the relationship so much that she’s scared to lose you to infidelity, but in asking for constant reassurance that you’re not cheating, she could actually drive you away. She needs to get this. In addition to “I’m washing the sheets because dirt, bacteria, and dead skin cells accumulate and need to be removed about once a week, not because I brought someone over for a one-night stand” she needs to hear “Your constantly asking me about this is making me feel observed, judged, and annoyed, and it’s affecting my ability to feel peaceful in this relationship. I’m struggling to be patient and keep my cool.” Change the focus to how her paranoia is affecting you. And suggest that she identify a trusted friend to share and talk through her insecurities with, and that she not bring them to you unless a third party confirms that there’s something to be worried about. If it’s as important to her to have a happy relationship with you as she says it is, she’ll take your advice.
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