Every week, Dear Prudence answers additional questions from readers, just for Slate Plus members. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I work a full-time and part-time job while going to school. I pay rent and live with my uncle, his girlfriend “Ava,” and her three teenage Neanderthals. Ava treats me as her live-in maid. Anytime there is a mess, she stomps up complaining and expects me to drop everything and clean. It is clean until her disgusting sons come in and mess everything up. But it is too hard for Ava to actually parent them. She rather scream at me. It is so bad that I don’t use the common areas anymore and bought a microwave and mini-fridge. Last time I was gone for three days, Ava welcomes me home by screeching about how dirty the house was. I screamed back that I am not cleaning up messes that I didn’t make, and I pay rent, unlike other people.
She went whining to my uncle about disrespect. He told me I needed to respect the household. I told him to respect our signed lease. If he kicked me out, he could see me in small claims court. He told me he regrets letting me in. I cried and said did he regret getting the light and water turned back on then? Everything is horrible, and I can’t afford to move out. Help.
—No Cinderella Here
Dear No Cinderella,
You’re living in a toxic household with at least one person who seems to be out of control emotionally. And, if there’s any truth behind your uncle’s threats to kick you out, your well-being is at stake. So the name of the game is survival, and that might mean doing a little bit of cleaning that you shouldn’t technically have to do. And a little lying. And a little being fake. You should obviously be thinking about what you would do if Ava and your uncle kicked you out tomorrow. You need a backup plan—even if it’s just staying on a friend’s couch and giving them the money you would have given Ava—so you feel less vulnerable and desperate.
With that in place, approach Ava and say this. “I’m sorry about the other day. I know it must be hard to run this household. I know you need the rent I pay, and I need to feel at peace where I live. I think the first step to improve things is for me to let you know that I do respect you and want to contribute to the general upkeep of the house. I’m sure you don’t want to argue about it all the time and neither do I, so here’s my proposal: In addition to keeping my personal space clean, I’ll vacuum every Sunday and take the trash out on Wednesdays [or whatever you feel you can reasonably do].” Then pop your headphones on and do it. And if she still finds something to scream about, put them in again.
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