This special edition is part of our Guest Prudie series, where we ask smart, thoughtful people to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice.
Rebecca Yarros is the #1 New York Times, USA Today, and Wall Street Journal bestselling author of over fifteen novels including Fourth Wing and In the Likely Event, with multiple starred Publishers Weekly reviews and a Kirkus Best Book of the Year. Her new book, Iron Flame, a sequel to Fourth Wing, will hit the shelves on November 7.
Dear Prudence,
“Julia” and I have been friends and neighbors for over 30 years. We have celebrated each other highs and lows—I just don’t know how to handle this. Julia’s daughter recently got married. It was a surprise to everyone. We didn’t even know she was engaged and there was no wedding.
This hasn’t stopped Julia’s daughter from spamming us all with her bridal gift registry. It is all luxury items and the cheapest is $50. All in all, the whole thing is just tacky and tasteless. Julia has now been complaining and campaigning for her daughter’s gifts. It is a very uncomfortable topic for me. Julia has given my children gifts when they got married, but she was actually invited to the weddings. I sent a congratulations card, but I am not sending anything else. How do I talk to Julia about this when she brings it up?
—No Invite, No Gift
Dear No Invite, No Gift,
I’m so glad that you have a friend with whom you’ve been able to celebrate life’s highs and lows! A friendship that’s lasted over 30 years is definitely rare and something to be treasured. I understand that you feel etiquette suggests gifts are appropriate for wedding guests only, but the greater question might be: What is your friendship with Julia worth? Because there was no wedding to be invited to, you weren’t slighted by not receiving an invitation. Unless you’re in a place of financial hardship—in which case, I would explain that to Julia—I would buy a gift to celebrate her daughter’s happiness. If Julia’s mentioned it more than a few times, it’s obviously important to her. However, if you value etiquette over the friendship, then be honest with her about your feelings and move on from there.
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Dear Prudence,
I (she/her) just moved to the same city as my ex, and I’m debating reaching out. We dated for four months. Things were going well—he even mentioned me meeting his family. When he got made redundant, he put on a brave face but I sensed his despair. He started behaving oddly, replying less and canceling a date without rearranging. It hurt. I raised it and he apologized, saying maybe it wasn’t a good time.
We crossed paths two months later, and he announced he was moving cities. I cried all day. He came over before he went, apologized, and said his behavior had nothing to do with me—his head was a mess. We got close, and he promised he’d come around one more time. He canceled.
A year later I accepted my dream job—in his city. Two months in, I started thinking about him again. I feel like his redundancy cut things short between us—but what if he just wasn’t into me? I can’t face a third rejection. I deleted his number but think DMing him would look a little… clingy. (We never followed each other.) I also have no idea of his relationship status. What would you advise?
—In Two Minds
Dear In Two Minds,
In this case, I think it’s best to let that past relationship go, as hard as that may be. Living in a new city opens up wonderful opportunities for you to meet new people and experience new relationships. If you happen to run into each other and hit it off again, then wonderful. But you deserve to find happiness with someone who makes you a priority and doesn’t repeatedly cancel on you.
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Dear Prudence,
I live in a big city, have two kids—aged 5 and 2—and need your help to address a family issue. My father lives with my stepmother in a small seaside town and would love to take care of the kids during vacation at his place. While we don’t have the greatest relationship, I am very open to the fact that he can build one with my kids.
The problem is: I don’t feel his home is a safe place for my kids as he has a swimming pool with no security system, some old weapons exposed everywhere (think spears on the wall, flints on the buffet), and unprotected stairs. My father likes taking naps and I don’t trust my kids (as they are kids you know) to not jeopardize themselves in the meantime. My stepmother has never been really involved, so while I don’t blame her, I don’t rely on her either. Also, they never visit us in the big city. When they do, they actually only spend a few hours with us as they go shopping and sleep at the hotel downtown (we do have a guest room, but they have never spent the night there). My father is a very proud man and has a strong habit of belittling me whenever I raise a concern about anything. He’ll say, “Don’t worry too much.”
I really don’t like the idea of confronting him, but I obviously won’t give in on such an important matter either. So far I have found excuses, but this year I don’t have any. How do you reckon I should handle this?
—Tired of Dodging the Bullet
Dear Tired of Dodging the Bullet,
The safety of our kids is always the most important factor when deciding where they’ll spend their time. If you feel your children would be unsafe or in danger visiting your father, then draw a boundary with him. Remember, his feelings matter less than your children’s lives. Unsecured pools are an enormous threat, and the question isn’t about trusting your kids—as you said, they’re kids—it’s whether you can you trust your father to keep them safe. If the answer is no, which it appears to be, then these unsupervised visits are a no-go.
However, it’s possible to foster these relationships without endangering the kids by offering another solution like visiting with them so they’re not unsupervised or putting boundaries and rules in place that will protect your children. If your father isn’t interested in modifying his routine and home to protect the kids, then perhaps they shouldn’t be visiting.
When Stephen King Was Guest Prudie
My husband and I divided labor unfairly and super stressfully after our baby daughter was born, and I couldn’t get through to him. In February, when she was 4 months old, I reached a breaking point. Overwhelmed, I made myself a list of all the things I do to keep the family running and highlighted the things I could live without. As politely as possible, I told my husband if he was interested in them they could be his responsibility: food planning/cooked meals of any kind, maintenance of his family connections, any vacations to visit them, and child care for his weekly sports night with the boys.
