Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I came into an unexpected windfall many years ago and set aside a significant amount of money for our niece, “Ally.” Both her parents are aware of the money. She was the only grandchild at the time on both sides. Since then, my brother divorced Ally’s mother and remarried. He now has two stepdaughters and two sons of his own. My wife and I have our own son now (after many IVF treatments). We have not contributed to any of the other children beyond the usual gift card. No reasonable person could expect that, right?
Well, my sister-in-law is up in arms because Ally wants to use the money to go into an expensive international study program rather than attending a local one and sharing the rest of the money with her siblings. This has tanked Ally’s relationship with her father and stepfamily and dragged my wife and me into the middle. My brother is just spineless with his wife and keeps hemming and hawing about favoritism and being fair to all his children. I told him that this is his own damn fault and he is going to lose Ally over this. It wasn’t our duty to fund his future kids at that time. Ally was it and he was fine with that back in the day. Our parents have an anniversary coming up and want us all to bury the hatchet for their sake.
What do we do here?
—For Ally
Dear For Ally,
You and your wife need to stay out of this conflict, and you should let your brother know that you are done with the matter for good. At the time you gave the gift, Ally was the only child. It wasn’t up to you and your wife to predict that other children would be coming. While it would be nice for Ally to share this financial blessing with her siblings, it’s ultimately up to her to decide how this money is spent. Let your brother and his family figure this out for themselves. Explain that you were happy to give this gift to Ally and that you would prefer to stay out of any drama related to it. Your brother and SIL may be upset, but there’s nothing you can do about it now. It wouldn’t be right for you to tell Ally that she needs to divide the money, nor for you to encourage her to spend it all on herself. Stay out of this drama.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I have to travel a lot for work, and lately, I’ve been going to the city where my daughter and grandchildren live to put out fires. With two of my colleagues out, I am currently the only one who can handle these issues. My daughter lives on the far opposite side of the city and traffic is grueling, but she doesn’t seem to understand that these aren’t pleasure visits. It is a constant refrain that she wants me to come for a visit and I tell her I can’t. I am lucky if I can make it back to my hotel room and have energy to shower before falling into bed. She hasn’t made many friends since the move to this city, and her husband is often away. I love my daughter and grandchildren. I would gladly love to visit them, but not during my work trips. We talk often on the phone, and she keeps asking when I will be up for a real visit. I tell her I will let her know when I can take time off and then come up. We finally had a serious fight about me “always” putting work before her and the kids. This is very hurtful. My late husband and I work split-shifts so our children would always have a parent home and did everything we could to give our kids a better life. I love my daughter and I am sorry she hasn’t adjusted to the move like she hoped, but if I suggest that she drive to meet me for lunch, she doesn’t want to deal with traffic and a pair of toddlers! What do I do here?
—Traveling Mom
Dear Travelling Mom,
Traffic may be “grueling,” but it sounds like it would mean a whole lot to your daughter if you could make time to visit her on one of these trips. Not every time you come to town, but just once. Your daughter is lonely and isolated with two small children. On this visit, you could have a heart to heart with her about why you aren’t typically available when you come to town. Explain that you’d love to see her more, but that work is simply exhausting. Encourage her to please consider meeting you for lunch, perhaps at a midway point, when you come back next time. Pick a date for when you can come back for a longer visit and stick to it; even if it’s not for months to come, she’ll know that being with her and her children is a priority for you. Try your best to be empathetic to your daughter’s situation; she’s in a town where she doesn’t know many people and she’s busy caring for two toddlers. She probably feels as though she needs you more than ever, and while it seems you’re within arm’s reach, you haven’t been available to her. Give your daughter a visit and let her know how much she means to you.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I am a woman in my late thirties who never had the opportunity for children of my own. I have a sister who is seven years younger and gave me a BEAUTIFUL niece two years ago who I couldn’t love more. My sister and I have never been very close and it’s always bothered me; I must say I feel I’ve made tons of effort, to no avail. I am willing to accept this now as I can’t make someone like me. Of course, there’s still a great deal of love. Now, the issue is that I crave a close and significant relationship with my niece. My sister tends to turn me down any time I try to ask to see my niece. Am I being unreasonable wanting this connection? Should I find a way to move on from it? Is there a way I can ensure that I am in my niece’s life without being a pain?
—Estranged Auntie
Dear Estranged Auntie,
Unfortunately, it’s virtually impossible to have a relationship with a child who is not your own without having a good relationship with their parents. You have to continue trying to mend the bond with your sister if you want to have access to her daughter. Let her know that it bothers you that you aren’t closer and that you are willing to do what it takes to try and make that happen. Explain that you want to get to know her daughter and to be a constant part of her life. Ask her what it would take to make things better between the two of you. Hopefully, she’ll be receptive, though it may take some time to get through to her. If not, unfortunately, there’s no way that you can spend time with your niece without finding some sort of peace with her mother. You’re not unreasonable for craving this connection. It’s an unfortunate situation, and you may have to accept not having the closeness with your niece that you want to have. It really all depends on how you’re able to mend fences with your sister.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My son, “Dylan,” recently started university. We live reasonably close to the campus, about an hour and a half away by train, so visiting on weekends or holidays is a possibility, although Dylan made it fairly clear that he wanted to stretch his independence a bit and probably wasn’t going to be coming over much. So I was a bit surprised to hear that A) He wanted to come home this weekend with B) a girl he met at school, “Christine,” in tow. I’ve never met her in person, and I’ve only spoken to her just this once, but what I heard has me already wondering about all the red flags I’m seeing.
Apparently, they’re in the same P.E. martial arts class. Dylan’s done some kind of martial arts since he was 10 and is avid about it. Christine really liked him because, in her own words, “He’s the only one who will really hit me on the sparring mat” and she’s apparently looking forward to meeting me and showing off the bruises they’ve given each other. I knew he was taking martial arts for P.E., but I didn’t realize they’d be having full-contact co-ed sparring. And just the way this young lady talked, she almost seemed to fetishize fighting, and not in the adrenaline-fueled way Dylan sometimes talks about it, where he focuses on the techniques and how he put some trick or combination together. She kept talking in these excited, glowing terms about how it felt to have his fist collide with her cheek and the ache in her side the next morning after taking a kick. I’m sure there is something very wrong with that girl, but I’m also not quite sure how to warn my son about her.
—Bad Feelings About This
Dear Bad Feelings,
Dylan’s girlfriend may have some sort of kink as it relates to fighting, but I don’t think this is reason enough for you to worry, and it’s certainly not cause for you to say anything to him about it. An interest in taking blows in a martial arts class does not mean that she’s going to be craving violence in other areas of their relationship, or that she wants to be abused. Give this girl a chance to show you, and your son, more of who she is. Listen to what Dylan says when he talks about her. Take an active interest in the relationship and ask questions. But don’t let him know your concerns just yet. Without anything else damning to say about her, you’ll likely only isolate your son and discourage him from discussing the relationship with you.
—Jamilah
