Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I have a bit of a strange bedtime ritual. Almost every night before sleep, I turn off the lights, put on my headphones, and listen to music while I sit cross-legged, rocking vigorously back and forth along to the music. While I do this, I daydream vividly about several imaginary worlds I’ve constructed over the years. The movement seems to enhance the daydreams and makes me feel happy and excited, so if I try to daydream to music without music, it’s not the same at all. Sometimes I’ll only do this for 15 minutes or so before I get bored and do something else, or will go straight to sleep. But the best is when I find really great music and inspiration, and then I’ll end up daydreaming for three to four hours. This has been going on in secret for more than a decade, maybe since I was 10 or 11. I really enjoy these daydreams, and am sometimes very excited to get in bed and daydream for a few hours as a way to relax and feel creative.
When I researched this behavior several years ago, the results all pointed to maladaptive daydreaming—a coping mechanism that is characterized by its negative impact on your life. Many stories I read of people who engage in similar behaviors speak of not being able to stop, or of not being able to sleep or even hold down a job because of their daydreaming habits. Some folks also talk about their daydreaming in the context of their ADHD or autism, manifesting as stimming. In my case, I happen to be neurotypical, and find that while I might prefer to daydream before bed, I can fall asleep without it if I’m tired, have an early morning, am sharing a room with someone else or otherwise can’t do as I please. My boyfriend and I are long distance, and during visits I happily go weeks without daydreaming once, and never really miss it. But I always go back to my patterns when we’re apart. I’m a pretty functional and successful person, and it doesn’t feel like my daydreaming is ruining my life. As such, I don’t know if what I do is technically maladaptive daydreaming, but I do wonder if my little hobby isn’t damaging in some other ways.
On a purely practical level, I wear out mattresses way faster than I should. Since I’m in my very early-20s, I just bought my first ever mattress for myself. I know my future options will be to either drop a ton of money in just a few years on a new one, or to live with the back pain which accompanies a lumpy, springy mattress, well-worn from hours of rocking. I also love using loud music while I daydream to really get into it, and worry that I’m damaging my hearing. I also am definitely getting less sleep than I should because I’d just rather live in my head for a bit longer. I also hope to move in with my boyfriend and share a bedroom one day, which would mean changing my ritual and likely a more permanent end for my rocking bliss.
—Time to Stop Dreaming
Dear Dreaming,
Sure, the mattress is going to wear out a little sooner than it would without all the daydream-inspired rocking. And yes, that will cost you some money. But think of all the other things people spend money on to relax and get to sleep: salt lamps, sleep story apps, essential oils, weighted blankets, blackout curtains, headphones nestled in a plush headband so they’re comfortable to lie down in, medication, edibles. You have found your thing—and yes, it’s an unusual thing—but it’s not harming anyone and is nothing to be ashamed of. Also: It’s working!
So set a limit on the volume for your music and time you spend daydreaming to protect your ears and your sleep and have at it. If you give yourself permission to enjoy the habit this way, but still have a nagging feeling that it’s maladaptive or are unable to set any limits around it, run it by a professional. Unless and until that happens, all your boyfriend needs to know is that you’re meditating. (Really, you kind of are! So it’s not a lie.) Make sure you two find a place with a walk-in closet. Then hop in there, take a trip to your fantasy world (which sounds like a very nice break from this world, I have to say) and do your thing.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon (and submit your comments) here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m an autistic adult woman. I wasn’t diagnosed until a few years ago at 29, but before then I crafted my life and career around giving myself what I now realize are accommodations—avoiding sensory overload at work, solid alone time even in relationships, prioritizing routines, tools to deal with how intense I find other people’s emotions. It was a relief to get an explanation about why this stuff has been so crucial to me, because I’ve always done it but never been able to say why I struggle without it. But because I’m a woman, and have a lifetime of masking, no one believes me when I don’t really know what’s under some of the masking, because I’ve been doing it since I was little. This is OK with friends—I can say “I need to take a quiet break from this party” and people will support it, even if they don’t get why I need it. It does hurt to feel like they don’t understand why though. But it’s nearly impossible to date, because most men straight up don’t believe I’m autistic. I can and have faked it and pretend I don’t need these things in relationships, even for years at a time, but it makes me feel awful. I thought that the diagnosis would open up a community to me—maybe other autistic people would gel better than the general population, but a year of ASAN meetups and attempts to connect with autistic acquaintances say otherwise. I mask too much to fit, and am often not believed. I feel like I can’t communicate in the same ways. But neurotypical friendships and relationships are often exhausting too. I feel like I’m trapped in between and somehow don’t belong in either group. Is there anything I can do?
—In Between
Dear In Between,
I didn’t have much insight into your situation so I reached out to ask for some help and heard from Dr. Amy Marschall, a licensed psychologist, as well as a Twitter follower named Chandler (who asked me not to use their last name). Both of them noted that what you’re experiencing is common. “First of all, this is way too relatable as an autistic adult who didn’t know I was autistic until I was 33,” Marschall said. “Unmasking is a massive process, and autistic people who mask are taught to do so from before we even remember, so we often don’t even know who we are without the mask.”
“The ‘in between’ can be such a hard place to navigate, for people assigned female at birth especially,” Chandler said. “ After coming to terms with your diagnosis, it’s easy to assume people will just believe you—unfortunately, autism is seen through a very specific (and limiting) lens that many people don’t want to admit to. It’s wonderful that you recognize your needs and limitations, but so difficult that others don’t understand. I struggle with this too (as do all of my autistic friends—please know you are not alone in this)! “
They both gave advice that centered on nudging you toward increased unmasking.
“Learn who you are under the mask. Explore interests that you may be embarrassed of (for fear of others’ judgment), allow yourself to stim in whatever ways are most comfortable for you, and stand firm in your boundaries,” Chandler suggested. “You can start doing all of these by yourself, and gradually work them into social situations … The unmasking exercises should hopefully help you with making meaningful relationships in our community… Hopefully, they will listen with soft hearts and attempt to understand you. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this painful adjustment period right now, but please know that it’s very common, and it will get better with time.“
Marschall offered a few resources and ideas: 1) Neuroclastic, an online publication written entirely by neurodivergent writers, where you can search for various topics. For instance, you can search “autistic masking” and get a wealth of articles by autistic people about their experiences unmasking. 2) Unmasking Autism by Devon Price. She said she found it “unbelievably helpful” in realizing the ways in which she was masking. 3) The Autistic Women and Non-Binary Network. 4) She shared that she has taken time by herself to try to unmask on purpose by “doing things like experimenting with different stim behaviors, playing around with different sensory items, and adjusting my environment as much as I need to (tweaking the lights, temperature, sounds, etc).”
I think it’s worth considering that having a lifetime of masking behind you doesn’t mean you have to mask forever. Yes, it will be an adjustment and it might take real work to determine what unmasking even means so you. But after hearing about people in similar situations I’m convinced that, as with so many other things in life, being authentic is ultimately going to be less exhausting and will attract people who are prepared to embrace the person you really are.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I have three half siblings who are significantly older (11-plus years). Despite this, I am very fortunate that we all have a close relationship even though I grew up and still live across the country from them. I’ve never had any real conflict with them, so I am not certain how to handle an issue that came up recently.
About a month ago, one of my brothers and his wife went on vacation. A few days later, my other brother texted my mom and mentioned that he, my sister, and their families were joining our brother for a family vacation to celebrate my sister’s birthday. I later found out that their mother, stepfather, and my sister-in-law’s sister and her family also went on this trip. Prudie, I’m absolutely crushed that they did not include our younger sibling, my mother, and myself. Living so far away from them has always been difficult. Growing up, I often didn’t see them for several years at a time, though we would communicate over the phone and eventually the internet when that became a thing regularly. Thankfully, as adults, we’ve been able to see each other if not annually, then at least every other year. Our father passed unexpectedly several years ago, which only strengthened our bond so I am baffled that they would have excluded us from this family celebration.
The only possible explanation I can think of is that they assumed we wouldn’t be able to go since it was a destination very far from where we live that would require an expensive plane ticket. While that’s definitely true for me, I would have liked to have at least been invited. Is it worth bringing up how hurt I was by this exclusion? If so, how do I broach it with my siblings? I am not sure which of them organized this trip, and thinking about it, it’s very possible that their mother or one of their spouses spearheaded this trip. If that were the case, then I could see why we were left out, as we are not super close with them. It just hurts because I have always considered my relationship with them as equal with the sibling I share with both parents, but perhaps it is not reciprocated. Am I just being overly sensitive and should let it go?
—Freeing Family Feud
Dear Family Feud,
It sounds like there are a couple of totally reasonable and non-painful explanations for your exclusion from this trip: You live far away from the people who were included, and it may have been planned and organized by someone who doesn’t know you well. So, yes, you should say something about how you feel. But focus less (or not at all) on how hurt you were by the decision that was already made and more on what you would like to happen in the future. Try: “The pictures from the trip look amazing! I have always wanted to swim with dolphins. Next time you guys plan something like that, let me know if there’s any extra room—I’d love to join and spend some time with you even if I have to come from the other side of the country.”
In addition to that, work to deepen your relationship with your siblings. You say you are close, but I wonder if this is one of those situations in which your in-person visits are pretty rare, and social media is making you feel like you’re closer to them than you actually are. How much do you know about what they’re doing, feeling, and planning? Fire up a family group chat. Text about what’s going on in your life day-to-day. Ask questions. Have individual phone conversations if you aren’t already doing so regularly. And most important, take the lead when it comes to planning the kinds of experiences you would like to have with your siblings.
Dear Prudence,
I have a good friend whose family is close to ours. We hang out frequently and have the same circle of friends. They recently got a cabin and have been asking us to come for a weekend. The issue is, I really don’t like her husband. Neither does my husband. He’s deeply in need of constant attention, and either doesn’t seem to pick up on clues that he’s being annoying or crossing a line, or he doesn’t care and thinks it’s funny. I think, at heart, he is a good person. But he is loud, kind of know it all, and engages in behavior that is real close to bullying (like if he knows something he’s doing bothers someone, he’ll do it around them even more and then end with a har de har har and a slap on the back with a, “Just messin’ around!”) he’s exhausting and I dread the idea of being around him for more than an evening. But I love my friend and I can’t imagine telling her I will never go to her cabin because I don’t like her husband. Do I need to make excuses forever? Is there a nice way to tell her? For what it’s worth, she seems to think he’s hilarious and also doesn’t pick up on how he makes people uncomfortable.
—Love a Cabin, Hate a Bully
Dear Love a Cabin,
With a not-so-close friend you would have more options. You could pretend that you only like to sleep in your own bed. Or say you’re going through a really busy time and working weekends… and then keep saying that again and again. Or you could tell her, “I have to be honest, Dan and I have incompatible personalities and styles of joking around and I wouldn’t want to ask him to change his behavior, especially on his own turf.” And then deal with the consequences if she didn’t take it well. But I just don’t think you can do these things with a close friend. “I don’t like your husband and my husband doesn’t like him either” would be a really hard thing to come back from, in my opinion. So, my only other idea is to push her to plan a girls’ weekend so the men aren’t even involved. Or go, grin and bear it, and spend a lot of time swimming in the lake by yourself.
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 24-year-old woman with a 27-year-old guy. We’ve been together for almost a year, and he’s one of the most amazing, inspiring people I’ve ever met. I see myself becoming family with him. But I’m struggling with how to tell him about my past.
