Slate Plus members get more Care and Feeding from Jamilah Lemieux and the other columnists every week.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are at an impasse regarding our daughter’s soccer involvement, and we need the help of an impartial third party. “Ellie” has been playing soccer for four years and, as a 12-year-old, made the travel team. She’s been on it for about a year and a half now. At first, we were thrilled she found a sport she loved and seemed to make friends with the other girls on the team.
In the past six months or so, though, soccer has become a source of constant drama in our family. Ellie swings wildly in her feelings about the sport: One day she’ll come home after practice excited to show off her new skills in the backyard, the next she’ll come home sobbing because she got subbed out in the scrimmage, she didn’t pick up a new skill as quickly as everyone else did, or—and these are the worst situations—a group of girls has been making a lot of “inside jokes” that Ellie feels left out of. To be frank, this has been affecting our other two children. Ellie’s tantrums after practice ruin the evening and we constantly on “high alert” that we’ll set her off. We’ve talked with her about sportsmanship, mediated a discussion with her coach, and threatened to take her off the team if she continues this behavior, but nothing works.
My husband wants to make good on the threat. I think that would further isolate Ellie from her peers and take away a physical activity that she loves. Is there another option we should consider? What can we do about a kid who claims to love a sport, yet constantly brings home the sports drama to the point where it negatively affects other people?
—Over It in Orlando
Dear Over It,
If it weren’t soccer that triggered these outbursts, it might be concert choir, or a spat with some of her girlfriends, or a bad day at school. I don’t think it’s the activity that’s making Ellie act this way—the high emotions are pretty on brand for a teenage girl navigating a hormonal rollercoaster and interactions with other kids who are enduring the same.
Instead of trying to force her off the field, talk to her about what has been going on and help her develop some coping mechanisms for when she’s had a tough day—something it sounds like she needs in general right now. Let her know that it’s okay to be hurt and okay to cry, but that we also have to have some level of control over how disappointment impacts us, and certainly over how we treat others when we’re dealing with it. Hold her up to a standard of behavior that allows her to be an emo kid who needs to scream every so often, while refusing to let her get comfortable with the habit of taking all her soccer angst out on your household.
Also, check in with her and the coach regarding the ways she’s feeling snubbed by other kids; it’s one thing to be on the outside of the group for a moment, it’s another to be targeted for bullying. Be sure that the latter isn’t the case. Give Ellie some grace, while helping her to understand that you can be emotionally honest and behave in a way that people can deal with. She’ll learn to manage sooner than later, most likely, and if not, then you may want to consider having her speak to a professional. All the best to you.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My wife and I feel that preparing a meal and sitting down with our young kids to eat together is a valuable thing. We refuse to be short order cooks or prepare separate kid-friendly meals, but always try to prepare something that the kids like. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but for the most part our kids are good eaters and our dinners are enjoyable.
We spend a lot of time with other families, in situations where one family is responsible for preparing a meal for the group. Many of our friends’ kids are picky eaters, and this is reinforced by parents who prepare or expect special kid-friendly meals in addition to the main meal.
I think it’s somewhat rude to expect other people to prepare a special meal for your picky kids and it breeds a sense of entitlement that really bugs me. What do you think?
