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Dear Prudence,
So I am 18 male, and I’m in my final year of high school. For the past year, my twin brother and I (identical) have been taking showers together. For context our shower is really big, it was designed for people with disabilities and the shower head is long (not good for saving water). So we’re far enough apart that we have a good amount of personal space. It started when we were in a hurry to get ready for school one morning (I think I had a math test that day). He was in the shower, so I asked if I could get in and he agreed. We would pretty regularly be in a rush for school and one of us would have to wait for the other to get out of the shower so after this it kind of happened a lot and became a regular occurrence. Even when we’re not in a rush, if one of us needs to shower and the other one is already in there then it’s more convenient if you just get in.
Honestly, it’s really nice to have a place where we can catch up and chat. He asked me whether showering together made me feel uncomfortable. I said that he didn’t, he said it doesn’t make him uncomfortable either. Of course, I love my twin brother but not in a romantic way. Neither of us have any romantic feelings or desires toward one another. I haven’t seen him hard and nor has he seen me hard. Honestly, it’s like showering next to a mirror. Our bodies look the same (and yes down there looks the same as well). Our parents know and they don’t mind. I’ve told two of my close friends about it and they said it was definitely unusual, but didn’t think there was anything inherently wrong with it. I think I agree with them, but are they and I right? Is it wrong? I am fully aware that it’s unusual.
—Twin in New Jersey
Dear Twin,
I think you’re fine. Your twin isn’t bothered, you’re not bothered, you’re saving water, and you’re getting time to chat. Bodies aren’t sexual unless you’re feeling sexual. And all over the world, people enjoy spas, saunas, and nude beaches with loved ones. I like that you had a conversation about whether your new shared shower habit made either of you uncomfortable. Going out on a limb here, you two are 18 and perhaps are about to leave home and live separately. I wonder if part of what’s behind this new habit is that you’re anxious about that and seeking more closeness and intimacy with each other. Twins have a unique bond, and it will take some effort to maintain it if you go off to college separately and aren’t in the same household. Maybe think about some additional ways you can stay close, carve out time to spend together, and enjoy each other in this new phase of your lives—outside of the bathroom.
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Dear Prudence,
I work in student affairs and recently my work bestie left to pursue another job. We had such a great relationship; however, I fear I ruined it. He told me, a couple of hours before it was announced to the rest of the department that he got a new job. I asked if our supervisor knew and what her reaction was, and our supervisor was thrilled. I went to our supervisor to celebrate him, and instead of a positive reaction, my supervisor called and told him he was not supposed to tell anyone in front of me. I apologized to him for what happened, and he accepted it but told me he told me not to talk about it with anyone. According to our supervisor, he had told another person before, and that person was going around telling everyone. During the last couple of weeks, he’s been spacey to me, and he recently proposed to his girlfriend, whom I adore. I posted something about it, and she reposted it, but he didn’t. He reposted everything else that people were saying. I am going to be honest, I was a little blindsided as well that he didn’t tell me it was happening. This friend, we will call him Bill, has many friends he is close to, but they treat him like crap. Prudence, I am feeling very lost that I have lost a friend. I am also feeling that he will no longer trust me. What can I do to make amends with him?
—Missing My Friend
Dear Missing My Friend,
It doesn’t sound to me like you did anything wrong. It does sound to me like you might (and this is just a might!) have taken things one small step too far and been a tiny bit smothering—almost acting as your friend’s representative or publicist—in both of these situations. To tell a friend congrats on getting a new job is great. To run to the supervisor to celebrate without the friend present feels a bit heavy-handed. To congratulate someone on their engagement is very normal. To do your own post about someone else’s engagement could come off as a smidge overwhelming. It sounds like others in your group did the same, so I can’t say for sure, but think about that.
I also don’t think you’ve lost a friend. Give him a little space to enjoy his engagement and the many, many messages he’s receiving. See if things feel like they’re going back to normal after a few weeks. If not, ask him to get coffee to talk about his new job. If he declines, try again after two more weeks. If he declines again, say, “I’d love to catch up, just let me know when. I know your work situation has changed and it’s probably a really busy time for you. How’s wedding planning going?” If he continues to be distant, that’s your sign that he A) saw you as a work friend only or B) has made more room in his life for his fiancé now that he’s engaged and isn’t going to prioritize you, or C) is, in fact, mad at you about something that, if he cares, he will eventually share.
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Dear Prudence,
I have recently gotten more involved in our local LGBTQ+ community. When I was in college, I minored in women’s and gender studies, but there wasn’t a huge LGBTQ+ aspect to it due to the time period I was in college. Ever since then, I’ve continued to be interested in all aspects of women’s and gender studies. The research I have accessible to me, however, is limited since I am no longer in school. I try not to burden my friends with too many questions since this is their life and not just some experiment I want to read to get information. Over the weekend, I was talking to one of my cis-het friends who has been heavily involved in the LGBTQ+ community for years. I asked her something I have been wanting to ask trans people for a long time but haven’t due to not wanting to come across as someone who is just there to do “research.” My friend said she wasn’t sure how trans people would take my question and that I should maybe wait until I become closer friends with someone to ask. To be clear, she didn’t say she thought it would go over poorly, she just said she wasn’t sure.
I’ve been trying to come up with a way to bring up the question without sounding like I’m trying to diminish their experience, but any variation of “I hope this question doesn’t come off as inappropriate,” sounds exactly like something someone would say if they don’t care about trans people or are trying to play devil’s advocate, which is 100 percent not what I’m trying to do. I’m just really interested in gender dynamics and identity. What are your thoughts? Are there any phrases I can say to make sure I come across as sounding genuinely open-minded and curious, rather than judgmental and critical?
—Gender Jacker
Dear Gender Jacker,
This is one of the many situations in which the internet is incredibly useful! Throw out some search terms. Look for Reddit threads, personal essays, Twitter debates, TikToks. One of the best things about being online, in my experience, is that you can learn about other people’s experiences and satisfy your curiosity based on things that have already been shared, without bothering anyone. Be as nosy as you want! That said, I’m sure some of the trans people you know would be delighted to share their perspectives with you. But you’re being a good friend (and a non-annoying person) by waiting until you identify someone with whom you have a solid enough relationship to feel certain it will go over well before you start poking around for answers in person.
Classic Prudie
Last year, I lent my brother an expensive piece of photography equipment. After a few months, his wife sold it on eBay; I didn’t find out about it until I asked for it back for a project. He apologized and said it was an accident (she thought the equipment was his). He offered to buy a replacement, but I said there was no need. Fast forward a year later, my brother asked me to borrow another piece of equipment, which I mailed to him at the beginning of the pandemic.
