How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I have a pen pal who I used to attend middle school with. I never talked to her in middle school, even though she tried to talk to me. She contacted me on Facebook a few years ago and we’ve talked occasionally ever since. She recently told me that she has had a crush on me since middle school. She has been flirting with me. She sent me a picture of her in the middle of a mundane conversation and claimed she didn’t know why she did that. She told me I should send her a picture of myself so she could see what I look like. I didn’t want to at first, but I eventually relented and just sent one of my face.
This woman is married and supposedly getting a divorce, due to her husband allegedly giving her the cold-shoulder during a cancer scare that she suffered at the beginning of the year. In recent months, her sister and uncle have both been in major accidents. I want to tell her in absolute terms that I’m not interested in her romantically or sexually. However, these hard times she continues to endure make me feel guilty for wanting to make my feelings clear, so I say nothing. What should I do? Do I say nothing? Do I give in and go on a date with her? Am I wrong for not trying to be attracted to her? I think she is a nice person, but I have no yearning for her.
—Conflicted and Ashamed of It
Dear Conflicted and Ashamed of It,
Sometimes it’s cruel to be kind. Stringing this woman along to the point of dating her is just prolonging the inevitable reveal that you aren’t into her, and by then you would have wasted her time in addition to turning her down. Might as well do the least amount of damage by simply turning her down now. The most ethical way to do it would be to let her know that while you enjoy communicating with her, you simply aren’t feeling a romantic connection. Really, she’ll survive—it may bum her out, and she may even lash out as a result, but she’ll get over it. She’s resilient and she’s been through worse—you’re small potatoes compared to cancer. She’s survived too much to have someone pretending to be into her for fear of upsetting her.
If you just can’t muster straightforwardness, you could always bend the truth and say you just started seeing someone or that you’re really busy with work/family/pickleball/whatever. I don’t typically recommend outsourcing your volition, but many people seem to be allergic to honesty, so you can concoct an excuse in an attempt to spare the bruising of an ego. But should you take that route, keep in mind that you’re doing that for you.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a homoromantic bisexual woman in my early 20s. I had a religious upbringing, so I’ve only made out with a few guys. It really turned me on. Since then, I fell for a beautiful woman who’s also bi, and had my first time with her. I wasn’t as turned on as I was with men, but I did orgasm, and we got into a relationship. I’ve been with her for over three years and it’s gotten really serious.
Recently I found out she’s had a lot more experience with men than I have, and it makes me jealous that I never let myself explore that more. I proposed opening our relationship, but she said that would be a deal breaker and not something she’s comfortable with. I love her and always wanted a love like we share. Yet sexually, I do feel a lack. I’m scared that if I end things, I’ll never meet someone like her again, but it does feel unfair that she got to experience both sides fully and I never will.
The homoromantic side of me knows that I want to eventually be with a woman since I’ve only ever fallen for women romantically, but sexually, I do still feel a strong desire to explore more. How do I weigh these?
—Inexperienced Bisexual
Dear Inexperienced Bisexual,
You wrote that it feels unfair that your partner has more experience than you, but I hope you know that there’s no real scale to weigh and compare people’s life experiences. This is not a zero-sum game. It’s not a game at all. She’s had her life, you’ve had yours, and even if she had an equal amount of experience as you, it’s likely that you’d still want to explore more. As you should—you’re in your early 20s. That’s the most powerful factor here, I think. You’re awfully young to be settling down, and your libido is telling you that. Your 20s are a good time to see the world through other people’s bedrooms (or by putting a revolving door on yours).
You might never meet someone like her again, it’s true. But you also might meet someone who’s better suited for you. You have so much time! Your hesitancy may come from guilt or shame, but those are worth getting over. Processing a little shame now is a small task compared to living with regret later. If you don’t get out there and explore, you might be sad looking back one day when you realize you didn’t experience all that you could have when you were young and it was so much easier, thanks to the endowments of youth and the simple fact of not being so tied down.
I don’t know that you have to end it immediately—you could have follow-up conversations about your urges for the sake of reconfirming the incompatibility. But if further conversations about opening up end the way the initial one did, I think you know what you need to do, and I think that you wrote in less for advice than for confirmation. So, here you have it: Go. Be free. Get out there and find some good dick.
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Dear How to Do It,
I would love some ideas about how best to determine if the guy I recently started dating can make a mutually satisfying sexual relationship work without using the terms “baby” and “daddy” constantly during sex. I’m pretty kinky, but after the first time we were intimate, I was exhausted not by the phenomenal sex (which it was), but rather by trying to wrack my brain about different ways to tell him how glorious his member looks and feels, which he’s really into. I feel like it would have been so much hotter without all the talking! Like, do you really want me to take my mouth off of you to tell you how hot I am for you, again? I gave it a go to see how it felt, and it wasn’t pleasurable for me.
Any suggestions on how to bring it up diplomatically? I may be making too big a deal out of it, but I worry that he may not be able to be such a vigorous lover without all the very verbal, near-constant cheerleading. There may only be one way to find out, but I would greatly appreciate your expertise!
—Don’t Call Me Baby
Dear Don’t Call Me Baby,
This reads to me like a mismatch, and if so, at least you can be thankful that you detected it early. It’s not that kink-discordant couples are doomed to have unsatisfying sex, but satisfying sex usually requires some kind of compromise. In this case, you were the one to concede and participate in something you aren’t quite into. In another scenario, he would bend and receive less of the verbal stimulation that potentially fuels his fire. As you’re already running out of ideas, if you keep going with this, you’re bound to hit a wall, probably sooner than later, and at that point he’s likely to notice. Many people, kinky or not, are more interested in playing with people who are really into what they’re into, as opposed to someone who’s just phoning it in for their sake. People want you to want what they want (it’s the cornerstone of consent), and if you don’t, it might be a turn-off.
Which is to say that a conversation about the apparent discord is probably inevitable, so in keeping with the spirit of efficiency, you might as well have it now. You can tell him that you’re less verbally inclined than he is/than he seems to be interested in. You might also consider (and consider asking about) expanding your subject matter beyond how great his dick is. Even Jackie Collins would hit a wall in such a narrow field. But if that won’t work for you, it’s time to find out if less-to-no talk could still work for him. Reserve any sense of judgment for his answers—this is less about either of your predilections than it is whether said predilections are compatible. I say this all the time in this column: Asking someone to be verbal can feel like a writing assignment and it’s a pretty unreasonable thing to demand of someone during sex if they aren’t inclined to express themselves in such a way. If it’s a must for him and you’re not willing to bend every time, consider moving on. But if he’s willing to compromise and accept a less—or more varied—dirty talk, everybody wins.
—Rich
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