I Don’t Want My Dad to Give Me Away at My Wedding. Help!
Speaker A: Welcome to dear Prudence.
Speaker A: I’m your prudence, janae Desmond Harris.
Speaker A: Today we’ll be answering letters about what to do with wedding photos that include a sibling’s ex, how to break it to your dad that he’s not invited to walk you down the aisle, and whether it’s okay to tell loved ones you never want to vacation with them.
Speaker A: Here to help me out is Caroline Moss.
Speaker A: She’s an author and the host of the podcast G.
Speaker A: Thanks just Bought It, where she talks about what she bought and what you might need to buy next.
Speaker A: It was born after she started tweeting about all her weird Amazon finds and purchases, and it will make you want to buy a lot of stuff.
Speaker A: She used to write the advice column asking for a friend, so she actually has a little experience with what we’re doing here today.
Speaker A: Hey, Caroline, thank you for being here.
Speaker B: Hey, Danae.
Speaker B: Thank you for having me.
Speaker B: I’m so excited to be here.
Speaker A: So before we get started, I want to ask you to give one piece of completely unsolicited advice on any topic you’d like to talk about.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker B: I have thought about this, and I’m going to land on a very piece of solid just get it done advice, which is in March, if you can book your holiday travel, wow.
Speaker B: It is so much cheaper.
Speaker A: You have to be a special kind of person to do that.
Speaker A: Like, your real advice is be an organized person.
Speaker A: Get your life together, get better at decision making.
Speaker A: That’s a tall ask, but I’m sure it works.
Speaker B: Well, it doesn’t mean you have to be super organized.
Speaker B: I just want you to be motivated by a lower price point.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker B: And I have only had good luck booking in March.
Speaker B: Because the thing is that people a lot of people think when they book in August or September that they’re early.
Speaker B: They’re not early.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker A: Because when people start mentioning holidays in August, I’m like, what are you talking about?
Speaker A: Or people who start talking about Halloween costumes in summer, I’m just like, you’re getting ahead of yourself.
Speaker A: What are you doing?
Speaker A: But those are the people who have a Halloween costume.
Speaker B: I’m not there yet, but what I can do is I will book a flight and feel really self righteous about the little amount that I paid, even if the flight is not for, like, nine months.
Speaker B: So that’s my best piece of advice, to feel it’s a small thing you can do to make you feel like you really have it together.
Speaker A: And then if you feel like you saved two or $300 or whatever, you can just spend that money because it’s free.
Speaker A: Because you saved it on holiday travel, so you’re not really spending it on Amazon.
Speaker B: Right, right.
Speaker B: Exactly.
Speaker B: So you understand my philosophy.
Speaker B: All right.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker B: Don’t even have to explain that.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker B: That’s free money.
Speaker B: And that is for you to go shopping with as a congratulations for booking your holiday flights by St.
Speaker B: Patrick’s Day?
Speaker A: Sounds right to me.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker A: Caroline and I will dive into your questions after a short break.
Speaker A: Welcome back.
Speaker A: You’re listening to dear Prudence, and I’m here with Caroline Moss.
Speaker A: Let’s get started with our first letter.
Speaker A: It’s not you, it’s me.
Speaker C: I’m just finishing up a vacation with a dear friend of mine, and I have come to an important decision.
Speaker C: Apart from my significant other, I went to vacation solo for the rest of my life.
Speaker C: What was going to be a relaxing vacation to unwind before the school year starts up again and my workload is getting tripled while our department has been cut by 33% was a week of me doing everything for the two of us and not getting a lick of alone time.
Speaker C: If I stayed back, they stayed back.
Speaker C: If I went out, they went out.
Speaker C: Don’t get me wrong.
Speaker C: I had fun, and I love my friend dearly.
Speaker C: And I got to explore a part of a country I had never been to before.
Speaker C: But I’m so frustrated by how they relied on me to do everything.
Speaker C: Look, it makes a certain amount of sense.
Speaker C: I’m very well traveled, I’m an excellent problem solver, I’m not afraid to ask for help, and the one thing I seem to be able to catch on too quickly is foreign public transit.
Speaker C: Still, I’m resentful instead of well rested.
Speaker C: And it’s not just her.
Speaker C: I really don’t think I travel well with anyone.
Speaker C: My parents I have to be on all the time and usually act as their go between with the locals.
Speaker C: So I’m a tour guide.
Speaker C: Getting a free vacation not the worst trade off if you’re into it, but I’m not.
Speaker C: My aforementioned significant other has to always be doing something constructive with this time, needs fewer breaks, and has zero situational awareness.
Speaker C: He’s white, male, lives in a city where eye contact is not recommended, and again, he lets me handle the travel stuff.
Speaker C: But at least he’s a good navigator.
Speaker C: My coworkers only like one type of vacation, and I’d rather spend my time doing something else, but at least they get that I’ll be off doing my own thing and meet them for dinner.
Speaker C: I know I’m being picky, I know I’m being unreasonable in my expectations, but I don’t care.
Speaker C: I spent ten years backpacking the world and making friends and working, and I had a fantastic time doing everything on my own terms.
Speaker C: It wasn’t easy, nor was it particularly restful, but it suited me.
Speaker C: I thought when my friends got into a financial place where we could vacation together, it would be a blast.
Speaker C: But in every scenario, I’m underwhelmed, disappointed and overworked.
Speaker C: My friend I’m on vacation with currently has recommended we do this every year since we travel so well together.
Speaker C: Before you go on the communication route.
Speaker C: I gave her clear expectations of what I imagined this vacation to be.
Speaker C: It was my vacation, and after she expressed interest, I invited her along, and she said she agreed.
Speaker C: That being said, she’s contributed nearly half to everything, and that does give her equal voice in what we do.
Speaker C: And people are allowed to change their mind about what they want.
Speaker C: I just wish they didn’t.
Speaker C: When I know exactly what I want, I know if I had encouraged her to do some of the navigating for me, I would have been driven crazy with her inefficiency.
Speaker C: I did ask for alone time in the beginning, but I saw as hurting her feelings, and we did have fun together.
Speaker C: It just wasn’t what I needed or looked forward to.
Speaker C: And I cannot stand to hurt a friend’s feelings due to my neuroses.
Speaker C: I’m also invited to a girls weekend in October and a vacation with colleagues in February.
Speaker C: I think the most I can handle is one vacation with my significant other per year and one big solo vacation.
Speaker C: Any ideas how I can just say no to people I genuinely like, get along with, and appreciate as the lovely individuals they are, but have no desire?
Speaker C: Traveling with without coming off as snobby, petulant and neurotic after my grandfather passed last year and moving with my significant other, money is very much nonobject.
Speaker C: So that’s a no go, and I would prefer not to lie.
Speaker A: So there’s a lot to unpack here.
Speaker A: I’ll just take one line that jumped out at me.
Speaker A: If I stayed back, they stayed back.
Speaker A: If I went out, they went out.
Speaker A: Does that sound pretty reasonable for a vacation with a friend to you to do things together?
Speaker B: It does to me, yeah.
Speaker A: I feel like unless you decide something else, and I know people do, like, I like to go off and do my own thing, so I’ll be on an excursion by myself, or I’ll be in the room sleeping, you pretty much expect to hang out with the friend you want on vacation with.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker A: I totally respect where the letter writer is coming from.
Speaker A: I find trips with other people and especially groups, kind of challenging because no matter how much I love them, I find it difficult to have to talk from the minute I open my eyes until the minute I go to sleep at night.
Speaker A: It just drains something out of me.
Speaker A: So I don’t know.
Speaker A: Do you feel like this is a reasonable position to have?
Speaker B: I feel like it’s understandable, yeah.
Speaker B: I don’t know that I would say it’s reasonable just because I relate to this so deeply.
Speaker B: Maybe not on the level of travel, but this person loves control.
Speaker B: This person knows what they want, knows when they want to do it.
Speaker B: And what really stood out to me about this letter was like, I had this whole thing planned.
Speaker B: I knew what I wanted to do, and then I invited them along, and I was like, well, that was your mistake, because it was helpful that this person gave the context of the financial aspect was met by half by their friend.
Speaker B: It’s like you invited them along, but you’re not paying for them.
Speaker B: So they do get a say.
Speaker B: I think what it sounds like is like they already know they do better on their own.
Speaker B: They like being able to make decisions and do what they want to do.
Speaker B: And part of the trade off of getting to have company in these trips is that you do kind of have to relinquish some of that control.
Speaker B: I would say maybe the issue is just that the length of time was too long.
Speaker B: Maybe you plan trips or you plan your own trips and invite people along, but just for like a very short leg of the trip, that’s actually a really good idea.
Speaker A: I had not thought about that.
Speaker A: I was going to tell her just, I think you’re making this a little bit harder than it has to be.
Speaker A: You travel better by yourself.
Speaker A: So instead of saying to your friends, I don’t want you to come with me anymore, I don’t like it.
Speaker A: I have to do everything.
Speaker A: I’m totally type A.
Speaker A: You’re incompetent when it comes to navigating.
Speaker A: I end up frustrated.
Speaker A: You don’t pull your weight.
Speaker A: You can actually just say, you know, I think this is going to be the beginning of my solo travel era.
Speaker A: I love it.
Speaker A: It’s great for me.
Speaker A: It’s what I need to feel rejuvenated and really relax and it’s empowering to me.
Speaker A: So for this year, I’ll just be doing trips by myself and maybe one with my significant other.
Speaker A: And I don’t think anyone’s going to really dig too much deeper.
Speaker A: They might be a little bit disappointed, but it’s not an out of control thing to say, right?
Speaker B: No, not at all.
Speaker B: And I also agree that I understand the difficulty of sharing space and time and plans with other people does mean that they don’t all belong to you.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker B: And I think that’s honestly just fair to say to someone.
Speaker B: I think you can just say, like, this is what I’ve learned about myself.
Speaker B: And I think if this is a friend that you’re close enough that you’re taking these excursions abroad, I would hope that these are the conversations that you could have.
Speaker B: But what I feel like is this is a person who is equal parts type A and controlling.
Speaker B: They like to kind of control their own environment and kind of know the outcomes of what’s coming, but also kind of a people pleaser.
Speaker A: Yeah, well, I think there’s like this difficult position that many letter writers find themselves in, is that they say, like, I’m this way, this is the way I am, but I don’t want to be seen as that way.
Speaker A: I feel very strongly that it’s okay, but I don’t want to suffer any of the emotional consequences of people thinking of me that way.
Speaker A: And you kind of can’t have it both ways.
Speaker A: I think you have to own.
Speaker A: I’m type A.
Speaker A: I’m a little controlling.
Speaker A: I’m really finicky.
Speaker A: I like to do my own thing.
Speaker A: And if your friends love you, they’ll embrace that about you.
Speaker A: We all have that friend, right?
Speaker B: Totally.
Speaker B: And I would also suggest just trying to work on because I think it’s helpful in all seasons and aspects of life work on relinquishing a little bit of that control and understanding that it’s not always because on the same hand.
Speaker B: They’re also saying, like, but I hate doing all the planning, and I hate doing all that.
Speaker B: But I’m like, but you sound like you’re really good at it.
Speaker B: And you also sound like you would be upset if you left it in the hands of someone less capable than you are.
Speaker A: Well, yeah.
Speaker A: At one point she mentions I couldn’t stand the inefficiency of watching someone else do it.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker B: I think she’s having kind of a hard time grappling with who she is in this regard.
Speaker A: I completely agree.
Speaker A: And I think she can own who she is by mostly doing solo trips.
Speaker A: But I love the addition of your idea to do like, a weekend trip here and there or a couple of days with a friend.
Speaker A: And I would just say on those trips, you need to reframe the intention in your mind.
Speaker A: It’s not to be efficient.
Speaker A: It’s not to see all the tourist destinations.
Speaker A: It’s not to get the most out of it.
Speaker B: It’s to spend time together.
Speaker A: It’s to spend time together.
Speaker A: So if you spend time together having the hotel breakfast and getting lost on the way to the beach and going to a subpar dinner, it’s okay because you were with your friend and you weren’t like in your phone in Google Maps on Yelp the whole time planning the next step.
Speaker A: You were present with them and you were enjoying them.
Speaker A: And just as a final note, she suggests that she can’t lie about travel because she inherited money.
Speaker A: Nobody has access to your bank account.
Speaker A: Nobody’s going to be asking you questions about why you can’t go on nine trips.
Speaker A: It’s reasonable to go on a few and plan them the way you want.
Speaker A: You’re going to be okay.
Speaker B: Absolutely.
Speaker A: Our next question is titled wedding Photo Warrior.
Speaker D: My younger brother is getting married this year to a girl who I haven’t been able to get to know that well during their two year relationship.
Speaker D: From what I have gotten to know about her, she seems like a fine person, just not someone I would naturally click with.
Speaker D: To add to that, my brother shared with me some of the fights that they have gotten into, and it has soured my opinion on her.
Speaker D: I don’t know how accurate my assessment is since I haven’t gotten the chance to spend much time with her, but I get the impression that she is a type A perfectionist who can be jealous at times.
Speaker D: I don’t think this necessarily makes her a bad person, but it has made it hard to connect with her, as I am quite the opposite.
Speaker D: We are also in very different places in life.
Speaker D: I am 40 with two small kids and she is 29 and just ending her single life.
Speaker D: I say all this to give you some context to the dilemma that I am in.
Speaker D: I have a large framed photo from my wedding day seven years ago hanging in my living room.
Speaker D: It is not front and center, but when guests are in the room, they eventually make their way over to it and give it a look.
Speaker D: There are about 80 people in the photo, including some family that I don’t speak to anymore after we got into some heated political arguments at family functions.
Speaker D: Despite this, I still love the photo as it represents a really special day and I’ve always wanted this type of photo from my wedding day to be displayed in my home.
Speaker D: The problem is that my brother is front and center with his arm around an ex girlfriend in the photo.
Speaker D: To make it worse, my brother’s fiance has known the ex since childhood and they had a beef when they were kids.
Speaker D: My whole family mom, sister, brother has asked me to take down the photo out of respect for my brother’s new relationship during holidays.
Speaker D: They have even taken it down without my permission and put sticky notes over the photo to block out the ex girlfriend.
Speaker D: I find this very hurtful on many levels, including the fact that I had a very small wedding without all the hoopla.
Speaker D: My sister and brother’s wedding required me to attend multiple events leading up to it and to spend a lot of time and money to celebrate them.
Speaker D: Why can’t they put aside their discomfort and just avoid looking at the photo?
Speaker D: Or better yet, look at it and acknowledge that it was a snapshot in time and that everyone has a past?
Speaker D: I have felt justified not taking it down over the past two years because until their engagement, they were on and off so frequently that I didn’t think I should make any sacrifices for this woman who wouldn’t be a part of our future.
Speaker D: But now that they are getting married, I am getting anxious about having this conversation with them again and I don’t know what to do.
Speaker D: Is it rude of me to keep the photo up?
Speaker D: Is it rude of my family to ask this of me?
Speaker D: They have asked me to Photoshop it, which I don’t want to do.
Speaker D: Because, honestly, it is annoying to do any labor for this problem that I find to be so ridiculous when I toss the task back to them and explain that they have to find the exact file on the thumb drive, hire a Photoshopper, get it reframed by a professional and pay for it all.
Speaker D: They bulk and the conversation fizzles out.
Speaker D: I don’t want my family to not come to my house for holidays and parties because of this photo, but I don’t want to give in to a request that I find absolutely ridiculous.
Speaker D: This dilemma has been two years in the making.
Speaker D: Prudi, can you help?
Speaker A: She seems like a fine person, just not someone I would naturally click with.
Speaker A: I think I can translate that.
Speaker A: I hate that b****.
Speaker A: She hates her so much.
Speaker B: She hates her so much.
Speaker A: And she was all this she would be happy to open the drawer and get the thumb drive out and do the little photoshop work or have someone else do it if she didn’t despise this woman and feel resentful about her place in the family in relation to her brother.
Speaker B: And she’s digging in her heels big time.
Speaker A: So this is more advice for the brother and his fiance.
Speaker A: If you’re listening, could you just kind of live with the photo and chalk it up to the letter writer having some of her own issues and being really stubborn?
Speaker A: I feel like if you’re in a happy relationship, you’re about to get married, you love each other.
Speaker A: You know, there’s this weird sister, future sister in law in the picture who’s obsessed with her own wedding picture.
Speaker A: You could kind of live with it.
Speaker A: I don’t think it would be hard to go to Thanksgiving and see this two inch image of another woman from years ago.
Speaker B: I completely agree.
Speaker B: I also think for the letter writer, can you just put the photo in another room?
Speaker B: It’s a great idea during Thanksgiving.
Speaker B: Yeah, I know.
Speaker B: What’s worse, like hearing about this or putting the photo in your bedroom when your family comes over.
Speaker A: That’s such a good idea.
Speaker B: That’s it.
Speaker B: And you know what?
Speaker B: I didn’t even think of addressing anyone that isn’t the letter writer.
Speaker B: But there’s a lot going on here.
Speaker B: And as a sibling with other siblings and lots of dynamics and comparisons, like any family where you’re like, well, this person did this, and I had to spend so much money to do this.
Speaker B: It’s so telling to me that we got this context that was like, I had the smallest wedding, right?
Speaker B: I had the calmest wedding.
Speaker B: All I want is this picture.
Speaker B: But none of that has anything to do with anything.
Speaker B: This picture makes people uncomfortable.
Speaker B: It is your house.
Speaker B: It is your picture.
Speaker B: You are entitled to do whatever you want.
Speaker B: But I also feel like digging your heels in on this issue has cost you two years of this argument, right?
Speaker B: And that’s still something you have to deal with.
Speaker B: So which do you want to deal with?
Speaker A: And I would argue, like, let me hop on my armchair, unlicensed, unqualified therapist couch.
Speaker A: I think let a writer that you feel somehow underappreciated or unloved or not treated fairly by your family and this photo, your stubbornness about this photo, is standing in for your desire to insist on getting that love or getting that fair treatment or getting that equal attention, and the photo is not getting that for you.
Speaker A: So you need to think about ways in your regular life, not necessarily on the holidays, that you can ask your family to treat you the way you want to be treated.
Speaker A: And I don’t know what that looks like, if it’s more time, if it’s more words of affirmation, if it’s more affection, if it’s just like, more contact.
Speaker A: But I can tell that you want more out of your family.
Speaker A: And the idea that you had this small wedding with no hoopla, it’s getting mixed up with the idea that you just would like to be more of a star in your family.
Speaker B: I totally agree.
Speaker B: And again, not a therapist, but I can relate to the fact that you might think back on the last 40 years of your life and say, these were all the times I did things I didn’t want to do because of my brother’s feelings, my sister’s feelings, my parents feelings.
Speaker B: And this is the one thing I’m going to say no to, but I think it’s still you’re holding the ember.
Speaker B: You’re still the one getting burned.
Speaker B: This is not a conversation you want to have every single time they come to your house.
Speaker B: I would just kind of like to make your life easier, just put the photo in a drawer just while they’re there.
Speaker B: They don’t live at your house, you can keep it up.
Speaker B: And I also think the Post it note is funny because it’s like a Barbara Streisand effect, like a draw so much more attention.
Speaker B: It draws so much attention so much.
Speaker A: It makes it seem like someone behind this Post it is incredibly important, so important that we can’t look at them.
Speaker A: Everyone pay attention.
Speaker A: You don’t want that.
Speaker B: Exactly.
Speaker B: And in terms of future advice to anybody who might be listening to this, it is worth having some pictures at your wedding that include significant others and also asking all the significant others that are not part of the family officially to stand out of a few shots.
Speaker A: That’s such a good idea.
Speaker B: Happens all of the time.
Speaker A: And also I’ll be getting letters about that too.
Speaker A: I’ve been dating my husband for 19 years and they tried to take a picture without me at the wedding.
Speaker A: But I get it.
Speaker A: At some point, you want the people who are definitely still going to be related no matter what, because you can’t undo a biological relationship.
Speaker B: Absolutely.
Speaker B: A friend of mine laughs because her mom came from like, a big family and in her oldest brother’s wedding photo is one of her brother’s girlfriends that is no longer whatever.
Speaker B: And so when her mom got married, she had said to another brother’s girlfriend, like, you cannot be in my photos.
Speaker B: Like, look what happened to that.
Speaker B: Of course those two ended up getting married and she’s been in the family for 40 years and she’s just not in the picture, but I think it’s reasonable to be, like, family, only.
Speaker B: Like, okay, not a big deal.
Speaker B: And if you’re the significant other, understand that.
Speaker B: Do you want to end up in someone’s wedding photos forever if you eventually break up with them?
Speaker B: No.
Speaker A: I mean, that’s a good point.
Speaker A: This woman might be like, take me down off the wall, please.
Speaker A: Hang me in the bathroom.
Speaker A: I don’t want to be.
Speaker B: I would be.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker B: Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B: If I found out I was in the family, like, mural of a family I wasn’t in, I mean, I’d be like, okay, I’ll pay for the photoshop.
Speaker B: I don’t know.
Speaker B: That feels a lot to me, right?
Speaker B: But, yeah, I think just explore your feelings about your place in the family.
Speaker A: Also, meet them halfway if they’re willing to get it photoshopped.
Speaker A: Like, do your part by finding the thumb drive.
Speaker A: Give it to them.
Speaker A: Let them do their thing and replace it in the frame.
Speaker A: That’s not very hard.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker A: If that doesn’t happen, just put it in your bedroom.
Speaker B: If they want it so badly, make them do the work and see what happens.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker A: And great advice about future pictures.
Speaker A: We have to think about these things because life happens.
Speaker B: We do it’s 2023.
Speaker B: Everything is photographed.
Speaker B: You got to be able to move people out of the frame.
Speaker A: Exactly.
Speaker A: You’re listening to the Dear Prudence Show, and when we come back, we’ll be reading more of your letters.
Speaker A: Stay with us.
Speaker A: Welcome back to dear Prudence.
Speaker A: I’m here with my guest Caroline Moss, to answer your letters, and the next one is titled Burnt Bridges.
Speaker E: I haven’t spoken to my sister in five years.
Speaker E: During my engagement, my sister ruthlessly pursued my fiance.
Speaker E: She sent him flirty texts and badmouthed me to him while turning around and helping me with wedding plans.
Speaker E: A mutual friend finally clued me in.
Speaker E: I took my fiance’s phone and faked a text message to my sister.
Speaker E: I told her I wanted to have sex right now and that the b**** had left for the day.
Speaker E: I parked my car on a different street and waited.
Speaker E: My fiance was actually at work.
Speaker E: My sister let herself in all dolled up and with a bottle of wine.
Speaker E: Then she saw me to be concise.
Speaker E: I kicked her out, broke up with him, and let everyone know what a conniving, backstabbing b**** my sister was.
Speaker E: My parents keep pressuring me to forgive my sister.
Speaker E: They wanted to put all the blame on my ex, and I refused to do so.
Speaker E: Now she just had a baby boy.
Speaker E: So my parents have switched tactics about how I will be denying an innocent child the chance to have a real family and a relationship with me.
Speaker E: I have no desire to know my nephew because having a relationship with him means letting this mother back into my life.
Speaker E: I would sooner cuddle a rattlesnake.
Speaker E: How do I get through to my parents?
Speaker E: There are some actions you can never come back from.
Speaker A: Well, in terms of divorce stories, I’m sorry this happened, but it’s a fabulous story if you have to tell one about why you got divorced.
Speaker B: I mean, this should be like a normal gossip by Dear Prudence crossover.
Speaker B: Thank God she did the whole sting operation.
Speaker B: Yeah, seriously.
Speaker A: Totally successful.
Speaker A: I’m a little confused, factually about what the former fiance’s role was because I’m seeing that the sister pursued him, but I’m not exactly sure what his role was.
Speaker A: But I’m just assuming based on the end of the relationship that he was into it too.
Speaker B: Woof.
Speaker A: Yeah.
Speaker A: I’m sorry that happened.
Speaker A: Letter writer.
Speaker A: I mean, seriously, it is really rough.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: I wonder if there’s ever been an apology from the sister at all.
Speaker B: Doesn’t sound like it.
Speaker B: I mean, this is just toxic behavior.
Speaker B: This isn’t like a misunderstanding.
Speaker B: I know we’re only hearing one side, but I’m going to choose to believe this is just like the truth.
Speaker A: We have to.
Speaker B: I mean, it’s hard.
Speaker B: You don’t owe your family anything.
Speaker B: This is a really huge betrayal.
Speaker B: That’s so hurtful and it’s just I would have a really hard time coming back from that.
Speaker A: And there are a lot of people who don’t have relationships with their siblings.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: It’s not what anyone plans when they have multiple kids, and it’s not what anyone thinks will happen.
Speaker A: But people distance themselves for much less serious reasons than this.
Speaker B: Oh, absolutely.
Speaker A: Just simply not getting along, not enjoying each other different values.
Speaker A: This woman went behind your back and tried to ruin your life.
Speaker A: Like I said in the beginning, I guess what I mean is you couldn’t have more concrete evidence for cutting her out of your life.
Speaker A: You couldn’t have a better story to tell.
Speaker A: So you can feel really confident in that.
Speaker B: There’s no gray space here.
Speaker A: No, there really isn’t.
Speaker B: This is horrible.
Speaker A: Yeah, there’s only gray space.
Speaker A: If you hold on to sort of what I think is kind of an unrealistic and outdated idea about you need to be close with your family.
Speaker A: Family comes first.
Speaker B: That’s what I’m hearing here.
Speaker B: Is that’s what her parents want?
Speaker B: And I understand this idea of like, let’s just move on, let’s just move on.
Speaker B: But you are an adult.
Speaker B: Assuming you do not live under the same roof as your parents.
Speaker B: You’re self sufficient, you have your own life.
Speaker B: You make the choices about who you let in your life.
Speaker B: And family is family.
Speaker B: Yes, but I think we put a lot of weight on like a blood is thicker than water sort of idea.
Speaker B: And that is true in squabbles of like, my sister borrowed a piece of jewelry that I really love and lost it.
Speaker B: We can come back from that.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker B: But this is a deep betrayal.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker B: And it sounds like your parents just want to be like, can’t we all just get along?
Speaker B: Can’t we all just be a.
Speaker B: Family.
Speaker B: Can’t we all just have a nice time?
Speaker B: Look, you have a new nephew.
Speaker B: It’s so mean of you to deny him this family.
Speaker B: That’s not on you.
Speaker B: But I don’t know that you are going to ever get that out of your family.
Speaker B: You have to be okay with the fact that you’re making this choice for yourself, and they might never understand why you’re doing that.
Speaker B: And it’s okay.
Speaker A: And a lot of people are okay with the appearance of a happy family, even if everyone is secretly miserable and resents or even hates each other.
Speaker A: A lot of people are like that.
Speaker A: Clearly your parents are.
Speaker A: And I guess I would say to your parents, either you think family is so important and valuable, or you don’t.
Speaker A: And if you do, then you should be really mad at my sister for the way she betrayed me.
Speaker A: Like, which one is it?
Speaker A: If family is so essential, then you should be just devastated that she would do this to her own sister.
Speaker A: And it doesn’t seem like they are again, because I think they mostly care about appearances and I don’t know, maybe convenience on holidays.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: I just want to add, too, that I also think it’s smarter to never meet the nephew if she doesn’t think this relationship will be resolved.
Speaker A: Like, right now, he’s fine.
Speaker A: He doesn’t know her.
Speaker A: He’s not going to miss her.
Speaker A: What would be hurtful would be if she had a relationship with this kid and he was five years old, and then she decided to pull back and disappear from his life.
Speaker A: So if you don’t see a path toward total reconciliation, I would say absolutely stay out of the baby’s life.
Speaker B: And it sounds like that’s what she wants to do.
Speaker B: She’s like, I don’t want to know my nephew because she knows she’ll never be able to have a relationship with him that excludes her sister, and that’s smart of her to know that.
Speaker B: And I think it’s a form of emotional manipulation to use a child, a baby who does not know what’s going on and who, because he doesn’t know you, therefore does not care about you and has no attachment to you.
Speaker B: This is your parents reassigning their discomfort with the rift between you and your sister and putting it inside a baby who doesn’t know anything else.
Speaker B: And that’s not okay.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker B: A guy would be worried if she had been like, well, I really want to have a relationship with my nephew, but I don’t want to have a relationship with my sister.
Speaker B: That would be yeah, there’s just really no way to do that without sort of compromising how you feel about the entire situation that got you here in the first place.
Speaker B: But I think it’s like, if the question is, how do I get through to my parents?
Speaker B: Sometimes you just don’t.
Speaker A: I’m so glad you said that.
Speaker A: Yeah, it’s like a conversation we’re always having about boundaries, you get to have them, but you don’t get to force people to understand them.
Speaker A: The reason it’s hard to have them is that you just kind of have to sit there and just be okay with however people react.
Speaker A: And that’s the really hard part.
Speaker B: Boundaries are not like for making other people to respect it’s, knowing where your line is and when you’ll walk away, when your boundaries aren’t being respected, not forcing someone to change the way that they’re being, to continue to have them around.
Speaker B: And it’s very hurtful when parents when this happens with parents, but you won’t get through to them.
Speaker B: It sounds like she’s tried, sounds like you tried knowing only what you’ve told us here.
Speaker B: I think you can be okay with the boundary that you’ve set for yourself.
Speaker A: Again, anyone is allowed to cut anyone off, but you really have the strongest possible case here.
Speaker A: Tell your parents to ask their friends what they think and report back, because that will just get messy and they shouldn’t have that kind of input.
Speaker A: But everyone would back you up here.
Speaker B: You should feel good about being 100% right, because rarely yeah, we don’t get to be 100% right, but you get to be 100% right here.
Speaker A: Exactly.
Speaker A: Enjoy that.
Speaker A: We’ll send you a certificate.
Speaker A: This is dear Prudence.
Speaker A: We need to take a break, but when we come back, more letters from you and advice from us.
Speaker A: Stay tuned.
Speaker A: I’m Janae and you’re listening to dear Prudence.
Speaker A: Caroline and I are about to tackle our very last question for the day.
Speaker A: Caroline, you ready?
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker A: This letter is titled thank God We’re Paying for the Wedding.
Speaker F: My partner of six years and I, both 30 year old females, are in the thick of wedding planning.
Speaker F: The issue is my father, who expects a typical father of the bride role, to put it briefly.
Speaker F: I love him very much, and he was certainly never abusive, but in terms of good male role models, he has never made the top of the list.
Speaker F: I’m not worried about the father daughter dance.
Speaker F: My partner and I don’t like the idea of a first dance, so we’re skipping the special dances altogether and just inviting everyone onto the floor straight away.
Speaker F: What I’m worried about is the walk down the aisle.
Speaker F: I would like my oldest half brother and his wife to walk me down the aisle.
Speaker F: My brother was 20 when I was born.
Speaker F: I’ve known my sister in law since I was six, and they’ve been there for me as mentors and friends my entire life.
Speaker F: How do I break it to my dad?
Speaker F: I don’t think he’ll throw a fit, but things will be frosty between us, and I’ve always struggled with asserting myself.
Speaker F: Thank you.
Speaker A: So I honestly struggled with this, and I think it’s because I just wished I had more information about exactly what the dad did.
Speaker A: There’s just a lot of room between not being a good male role model and being abusive or a really bad person.
Speaker A: And I just kind of want to know, what did he do that was bad enough that she wanted to totally upend this tradition in his face while he’s at the wedding and not have him walk her down the aisle?
Speaker A: So in my mind, if he’s done things like body shaming her, being homophobic, criticizing her relationship, saying he doesn’t support it, even treating her unfairly compared to her siblings, maybe even being unfaithful to mom, things like that, I think would make this decision understandable if it was just you weren’t totally emotionally available.
Speaker A: I just have a hard time saying you should have someone else walk you down the aisle in his face.
Speaker A: What do you think?
Speaker B: This one’s a hard one because I think also we have to go back to boundaries again, right?
Speaker B: And parents and families and everything’s complicated.
Speaker B: I think you’re totally right.
Speaker B: Like, we need more information, whereas in the former letter, we very much had information.
Speaker B: But I think with this, I think you’re totally right.
Speaker B: Weddings are yours.
Speaker B: They are also, if you are including your families and things, it is also a day for them.
Speaker B: These are people that love you and in their own role are celebrating with you.
Speaker B: And I think it’s totally fine to not have your dad walk you down the aisle if that’s not what you want.
Speaker B: And I also really try very hard to subscribe to the idea that adults can manage disappointment.
Speaker B: Like, your dad can be disappointed, and that’s okay.
Speaker B: I would say that I want to know if he’s going to feel like this is out of nowhere or if he is expecting this.
Speaker B: And I think to add on to what you’re saying, Janae, if all of these things the body shaming, the homophobia, not supporting the relationship, and also abuse is a very broad word, he was certainly never abusive, but that doesn’t mean do you mean he didn’t physically harm you?
Speaker B: Did he emotionally did he verbally all of that?
Speaker B: To say, like, when you sit your dad down to say, like, look, I’m going to have my brother and sister in law walk me down the aisle.
Speaker B: Is he going to be disappointed but understand?
Speaker B: Or is this going to be a conversation that he never knew you wanted to have, and now you’re having it for the first time?
Speaker B: And that’s loaded, right?
Speaker A: The wedding planning process or the month before the wedding might not be the best time for him to learn that you didn’t think he was a great dad.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker B: I think if you’ve never ever had these conversations before and you want to have this conversation, having it tacked on to this very important day in your life might not help you or make you feel as empowered empowered as you think it might make you feel.
Speaker A: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker A: I think on a practical level, I kind of think you either want to have your dad or have no one walk you down the aisle.
Speaker B: I actually would agree with that.
Speaker A: Again, assuming he’s not really done really awful things or been totally against your relationship.
Speaker B: If he’s going to be at the wedding.
Speaker B: Yeah, right.
Speaker B: If he’s going to be at the wedding and someone’s walking you down the aisle and you have a relationship with him regardless of how great but barring any truly unforgivable abuse, I think it’s a broad statement.
Speaker B: I don’t know what I’m saying, but what you said, which is like, there are things and there are things yeah, it’s just like I love that our generation of wedding havers it’s like people like to make their weddings unique to them.
Speaker B: Like, oh, this is so the couple.
Speaker B: You want to skip a first dance?
Speaker B: Great.
Speaker B: I love that.
Speaker B: You don’t want to do that.
Speaker B: Great.
Speaker B: I think when our parents generation, it’s like everyone had the same wedding.
Speaker B: It was this, it was this, it was this.
Speaker B: And I think there are some traditions you can absolutely skip.
Speaker B: I think if your dad’s going to be there and you have someone else walk you down the aisle, you’re putting him in a very uncomfortable position for everybody else at the wedding to be like, wait, what happened here?
Speaker A: Because in our culture, the person who walks you down the aisle isn’t your favorite man.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: It’s your dad or someone else who raised you and is, like, symbolically releasing you from your childhood household to the rest of your life.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker A: It’s not the best man in your life award.
Speaker B: Yeah, that’s right.
Speaker B: And it totally makes sense if you’re like, wow, I hate this idea of, like, my dad brings me down the aisle and gives I mean, you’re already two women getting married.
Speaker B: Right.
Speaker B: Like, we’re already throwing tradition on its head there, and wonderful for it.
Speaker B: The idea of our fathers walking us down the aisle is really rooted in giving you to another man who now owns you and you take his last name, so it makes sense if you don’t want any of that.
Speaker B: But I think you’re totally right.
Speaker B: It’s like you’re not just picking the man you, like, the best, and he brings you down the aisle.
Speaker B: It has, like, cultural implications, and if you want to get rid of those, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your dad.
Speaker B: It just means you’re walking yourself down the aisle.
Speaker A: Totally.
Speaker A: Or even how about the dad and the half brother together?
Speaker A: I think that could be nice.
Speaker A: I think one of my good friends had her dad and brother walk her down the aisle together.
Speaker A: I had my dad and mom just because my mom was there every single day, it just would have seemed weird to not have her there.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker B: In Jewish tradition, both parents walk oh, really?
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker B: Walk you down the aisle, and both parents walk the groom down the aisle.
Speaker B: So it’s nice, but it’s culture, it’s history, and it actually is so far away from true meaning.
Speaker B: And a lot of people who don’t have their fathers around, of course, have their brothers or an uncle or a grandfather.
Speaker B: But, yeah, you can walk yourself down the aisle.
Speaker B: I think that’s great.
Speaker B: And maybe give your brother, who you love so much, some other important job that isn’t so absolutely to everyone in the room.
Speaker B: Sort of an invitation to get in your business because people will you can.
Speaker A: Do a lovely reading.
Speaker A: There’s always room for one more reading.
Speaker B: Exactly.
Speaker A: So, yeah.
Speaker A: Literator.
Speaker A: I think I would encourage you to think of this as a moment when you’re kind of deciding on the trajectory of your relationship with your dad so there’s an opportunity to connect with him before the wedding and try to repair the damage that’s been done.
Speaker A: Get some apologies from him, plot a new path forward and have him there.
Speaker A: There’s an opportunity to just kind of keep things neutral and bring your half brother along and do that and still have your dad.
Speaker A: And if he really is that bad, there’s an opportunity to part ways and just not invite him to the wedding.
Speaker A: But I think having him present and someone else walking you down the aisle is kind of the worst of both worlds.
Speaker A: Think about it.
Speaker A: Those are all the questions we have for this week.
Speaker A: It’s been fun and hopefully helpful.
Speaker A: Thank you, Caroline.
Speaker B: Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker B: This was really fun and kind of stressful, wasn’t it?
Speaker A: Sorry.
Speaker A: You did a great job.
Speaker B: Thank you.
Speaker A: People take your advice on life in addition to all the things we spend our money on.
Speaker B: Yeah.
Speaker A: Listen and subscribe to Caroline’s podcast, G.
Speaker A: Thanks just Bought It, where she invites interesting, smart, savvy guests to rave about their favorite buys in the hopes of helping you become a smarter, more informed shopper.
Speaker A: New episodes are available every Friday.
Speaker A: Do you need help getting along with partners, relatives, coworkers, and people in general?
Speaker A: Write to me.
Speaker A: Go to slate.com prudy.
Speaker A: That’s slate.com, Prud.
Speaker A: The Dear Prudence Column publishes every Thursday.
Speaker B: If you’d like to hear your question answered on the podcast, we are looking for letter writers who would be comfortable recording their questions for the show.
Speaker B: You can stay anonymous.
Speaker A: Dear Prudence is produced by Sierra Spragley Ricks with a special thanks to Maura Curry editorial help from Paola de Verona.
Speaker A: Daisy Rosario is Senior Supervising Producer, and Alicia Montgomery is Slate’s VP of Audio.
Speaker A: I’m your dear prudence, janae Desmond Harris.
Speaker A: Until next time, thank you so much for being a Slate Plus member.
Speaker A: And since you’re a member, you get the awesome perk of a weekly segment where I’ll be answering an extra question.
Speaker A: That’s right, you get even more Prudy.
Speaker A: This week, I’m joined by Slate’s own Joel Anderson.
Speaker A: He is the host of Slow Burn, seasons three, six, and our current season.
Speaker A: Season eight on Clarence Thomas or you may know him from Slate’s Sports podcast hang up and Listen.
Speaker A: He also happens to be my husband.
Speaker A: This letter is titled ADHD Brain meets Slow Talker.
Speaker C: ADHD.
Speaker C: I’m medicated and generally high performing at my job because it’s a field where you’re constantly putting out short term urgent fires, which clicks well with how my brain works.
Speaker C: I like my co workers, but I’m struggling to work well with our new hire, John Paul.
Speaker C: JP is competent and friendly.
Speaker C: Unfortunately for me, he also has a regional American accent, which means he speaks very, very slowly.
Speaker C: I struggle to follow him when he speaks because it’s too slow, and my brain goes kiting off in another direction.
Speaker C: By the time he’s finished his sentence, he’s not doing anything wrong, but I really can’t understand him.
Speaker C: I resorted to trying to get some things in writing, but we’re not an office environment, and most of our work handoffs have to be verbal.
Speaker C: How do I work with or around him?
Speaker G: Did you pick this question because it’s either one or two things.
Speaker G: One, because I struggle to understand people when they’re talking to me sometimes, or two, because you claim that I talk very slowly and that I’m very difficult to listen to, which is that why.
Speaker A: You picked.
Speaker B: I don’t think I’ve said.
Speaker A: You’Re difficult to listen to.
Speaker A: But I will say that I never heard someone connecting talking slowly to a regional American accent before, which I have perceived that with, for example, you and your dad.
Speaker A: Like, if we’re talking to your dad on speakerphone, whatever, in the car, I could do my to do list for the week in between you saying hello and him saying hello.
Speaker G: It’s not that bad.
Speaker G: But I never thought of it as talking slow or whatever.
Speaker G: I never even thought I have an accent, and maybe I don’t have an accent anymore.
Speaker A: Yeah, you have it, but it’s slow.
Speaker G: Yeah, but I didn’t until we spent a lot of time around you, because it is just like, oh, okay.
Speaker G: I mean, nobody had ever told me I talk slow before.
Speaker A: I don’t think it’s in conversation with me.
Speaker A: I think if you’re with another slow talker and it’s not so much the words are coming out slow, it’s like the conversation is happening at a slow pace.
Speaker A: So me getting off the phone is all right, well, I’ve got to go.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker A: I’ll talk to you later.
Speaker A: You getting off the with your dad?
Speaker A: Well, all right.
Speaker G: This is somebody who’s not had a glass of cold lemonade on a porch before.
Speaker G: That’s what I’m hearing.
Speaker A: I totally get it’s a cultural bias.
Speaker A: But anyway, all that said, I don’t find it hard to understand what you’re saying.
Speaker A: It’s a good exercise in calming down and being present and not rushing through things.
Speaker A: For the letter writer, I would say you need to just sit and breathe.
Speaker A: And I don’t know how the ADHD plays in mine is only undiagnosed.
Speaker A: So I can’t really speak to that.
Speaker A: But maybe if you could take deep breaths, really repeat to yourself the words that he’s saying in your head after he says them.
Speaker A: Or actually, how about this?
Speaker A: Take notes.
Speaker A: That’s a really good one for me.
Speaker A: When I’m listening to someone speaking and my mind is going everywhere and I’m bored, take notes or doodle.
Speaker G: That’s good advice, taking notes, because that’s the way that I am able to focus in.
Speaker G: That’s why my professional version of listening is much better than my interpersonal version of listening, because I’m taking notes and I’m being a very active listener.
Speaker G: But I will say this, so try that.
Speaker G: Try to do better listening.
Speaker G: But if it doesn’t work you did say that this person was competent and friendly.
Speaker G: So in that spirit, and I’m speaking as the person who is the speaker in this, I wouldn’t have a problem if somebody approached me and said, but very carefully, look, this is my fault, not yours.
Speaker G: Sometimes I struggle to understand you.
Speaker G: So I’m either going to have to ask you to repeat yourself or whatever.
Speaker A: If you oh, they don’t want him to repeat himself, that’ll make it even slower.
Speaker G: No, because the person didn’t.
Speaker G: Because one thing that you do learn as a communicator, we work in communication now and podcasting.
Speaker G: Part of that is making sure that you’re understood and being a good communicator is making sure that people understand what you’re trying to communicate to them.
Speaker G: And I would not take it personally if somebody came to me in that spirit.
Speaker G: Now, if somebody’s like, well, you sound like old dumb, slow southern hick, then I might take it more personal.
Speaker G: But if it’s somebody saying in the spirit of like, I just struggle to sort of understand your accent, I wouldn’t be bothered by somebody coming to me humbly generously.
Speaker G: Can you just work with me on this?
Speaker A: Well, especially if you’re willing to say that you have ADHD.
Speaker A: So I am wired a little different.
Speaker A: I tend to drift off in conversations, especially if they go too long.
Speaker A: So it’s partly the accent, it’s partly just how long it’s taking him to get things out.
Speaker A: Right.
Speaker A: So you could say, like, I’m going to try to take notes and then maybe if you could just try to work with him, give me some really concise material, some bullet points to take notes on.
Speaker G: Yeah, just be willing to work with me and keep in mind that I’m having difficulty understanding you.
Speaker G: And again, not saying it’s your fault, but maybe you can just work with me on this.
Speaker G: And I think that would be like, okay, definitely, sure.
Speaker G: I’m a competent and friendly person from the south.
Speaker G: Why wouldn’t I be willing to do that?
Speaker A: And we were talking in the beginning about how sometimes your mind drifts off when people are talking like me.
Speaker A: I’ll never forget once when I was like recapping a story for you.
Speaker A: It was something we both knew.
Speaker A: And I was just kind of doing like a can you believe?
Speaker A: And going over it, and you went, what?
Speaker A: As if you’d never heard it before.
Speaker A: And I was like, that was such a fake response.
Speaker A: Because you already know the story.
Speaker A: You’re just not listening to me.
Speaker A: Anyways, if there’s anything I can do to make myself easier for you to follow when I’m talking, just let me know.
Speaker G: Don’t tell stories that need to be repeated.
Speaker G: That’s what it sounds like.
Speaker A: Okay.
Speaker A: Thank you again for being a Slate Plus member.
Speaker A: The Dear Prudence podcast would not be possible without you.
Speaker A: Until next time.
