Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. For this edition, Hillary Frey, Slate’s editor in chief, will be filling in as Prudie. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
I (she/her) and my boyfriend of three years are both in our late-30s. I truly adore this man, but of course, no relationship or person is perfect, and I wouldn’t be writing unless there was a problem to address. My handsome, thoughtful, intelligent boyfriend doesn’t wash his hair. He is clean and smells nice, but he only rinses his hair in the shower and doesn’t often touch it with shampoo (the rest of him gets a once over with an 18 in 1 {!!!} wash). This leaves his hair sometimes looking slick and heavy as though it’s still wet. We are both white and his hair is fine and silky and seems to need more periodic washing it isn’t getting.
I know he doesn’t wash his hair because he mentioned once that he thinks it’s detrimental. This was early in our relationship, and I didn’t see the need to comment when he didn’t look dirty. When he gets his hair cut, the stylist washes it thoroughly and when he comes home, he looks so incredibly good with his hair fluffy and shiny. I find myself really looking forward to his haircuts. How can I speak to him about maybe washing his hair a bit more? Also, why are men like this? He is not the first man I have dated who thought that soap on the skin or hair was going to damage it and noped out of regular scrub-downs in favor of water.
—Taking Grunge to a New Level
Dear Taking Grunge to a New Level,
Generally, my feeling is that unless the person is at grave risk for embarrassment, ridicule, or discomfort, I’d leave personal choices about hygiene and appearance alone (unless they are asking for help). But, you have been with this man for three years and you adore him, except for this, so… Have you tried bowling him over with attention after a haircut? Heaped praise on how good he looks? Dragged him to the bedroom? I think it’s worth trying a round of extremely positive feedback with the bf, and see if you can get your message across. You could also gift him some new shower products, and even get under the water with him to try them out! See where I’m going with this? I wish you luck, because he sounds cute, especially with his fluffy hair.
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Dear Prudence,
“Jenny” is the 10-year-old best friend of my daughter. She lost her mom last year and had a rough time of it. She spends a lot of time with my family and comes on our trips. Her father has started to date “Marge,” who is a single mother with two younger kids. When we ever drop Jenny off and Marge is there with her kids, the kids start demanding Jenny give them the little treats or souvenirs she got with us. Marge then lectures Jenny that she needs to “share” and complains if Jenny got something like a t-shirt rather than toys for her kids. It is bizarre. Marge knows that we are giving Jenny money out of our own pockets because her father can’t afford much. Worse, Jenny recently came to me crying that the kids stole and then lost several stuffed animals that her mother gave her and Marge tried to punish her instead. I went to Jenny’s father and he completely dismissed it. All families have growing pains and it will get better for Jenny when he and Marge get married.
At this point, I told Jenny to bring anything of her mom’s to my house and we will keep it safe. The only thing is Jenny brought over some very expensive stuff including her mom’s engagement ring. My husband and I are uncomfortable with keeping them but we don’t want to betray Jenny’s trust. We thought about mailing it all to her maternal grandma but that relationship is frosty between her and Jenny’s dad. What should we do here?
—Ring Is the Thing
Dear Ring Is the Thing,
Well, first, it’s really kind of you and your family to be so warm and open with Jenny. I have an 11-year-old, and under similar circumstances, I would want to be a safe haven for her longtime best friend.
Your question is about your offer to keep some precious things of Jenny’s safe, so I want to address that directly: you offered, you’d better follow through. I can see how having her mom’s engagement ring could make you feel uncomfortable, but I’m afraid you are stuck with it for now. Betraying Jenny’s trust in any way—whether shipping the ring elsewhere, or refusing to hold onto it—would be a blow to a vulnerable child you care about and would certainly set back her confidence in you, and likely make her think she’s done something wrong. She hasn’t. You invited this, and now you have to figure out how to safely hold onto that treasure.
But as for the bigger picture, I might take this as a moment to consider how you can support Jenny in ways that are not financial or gift-based, given that her home situation sounds like it’s not going to change. Being a safe haven for Jenny in a moment of crisis is beautiful, but it can’t be on a daily basis; she has a father and, it sounds like, a future bonus adult in her life and some other kids. You may not want to be best friends with Marge and Jenny’s dad, but perhaps a drink or coffee post-playdate at some point could give you a little more insight into their changing family. This could only help you support Jenny in the fullest possible way. Also: Your daughter and Jenny may not be best friends forever. Better to help her cope and thrive in her own home than create an escape that may not always be there.
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Dear Prudence,
Lately, I have been feeling strangely strong feelings for wanting to be in love. I have been single most of my adult life, somewhat by choice. Earlier this year, I broke up with a long-term boyfriend. It wasn’t sad, I just didn’t see a future with him. Part of that was because I had developed long COVID and had gotten another major medical diagnosis. It has taken a long time, but I finally found a good doctor and am slowly recovering. My ex was not supportive. When I broke up with him, I was relieved to be able to focus on my health and try to build the life that I want. I am still not where I want to be. I realized I want a different career and want to move but won’t be able to until I get my health issues resolved, which will most likely not be for another six to 12 months. For the time being, I’m working on my health, networking for new positions, and trying new hobbies.
A couple of weeks ago, I was suddenly hit with the overwhelming desire to be in love, deep love. Not just date, but find someone who just makes you incredibly happy. I’ve never felt like that nor have I ever had a relationship like that. I don’t know where this is coming from. Every night, I keep having dreams about being in very romantic relationships and it’s a little unnerving. It’s not like there is anybody I feel a strong connection with. It’s also not a good time, as I am barely well enough to do the things I’m doing now and I am actively trying to move. I’m in my late-30s and after my last breakup, the idea of being single my entire life started to seem nice. I feel really out of sorts here. Do you think I should try dating and maybe stop trying so many hobbies? Should I just wait until I move? What do you think?
—Lingering Love
Dear Lingering Love,
Ok, first of all: Good work prioritizing your health and yourself! It actually sounds like you’ve made some tough choices that are starting to pay off. Your world and your heart are opening up, and that’s wonderful!
My answer(s) to your question(s) are simple: If you feel well enough to date, date. Don’t give up the hobbies; depending on what they are, they may lead to dates! You may have lots and lots of dates before you find someone you like, let alone love. Or, maybe you’ll strike gold on the first try. But dating does take energy, so I say listen to your body, and it will tell you when to give it a go.
—Hillary
Classic Prudie
My girlfriend is the chef and owner of a local restaurant that’s recently become extremely popular. We’d been friends for a few years before we started dating months ago. She’s been named best chef in both the city and state, her restaurant has won awards, and she gets regular requests to compete on cooking shows. We are getting more serious, and I’m not sure how to deal with her current fame.
